The Hardest Thing
by Scorp112
Summary: Sometimes there are no easy answers. Sometimes, no matter what decision you make, someone will get hurt. Edward must choose between his wife and a new, passionate love. *ON HIATUS AS OF 3/15/13*
1. Chapter One

**UPDATE - March 2013**: This story is on hitaus. No, I don't know when I'll be back. I was diagnosed with panic disorder and I'm doing my best to get my attacks under control. They sometimes leave me unable to work or function, so writing has not been a priority in any shape or form. My sincere apologies, but I hope to be back soon. Thank you for your understanding.

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**Announcement:** This is a **Cheaterward Fic**. Edward isn't Mr. Wonderful and he screws up spectacularly. He pulls a New Moon by deciding what's best for others without talking to them and telling them the whole story. If this bothers you on any level, walk away. Save yourself the heartache. I'm not kidding. If you flame me for it, I'll just point you back to this announcement and suggest you find another story to read.

Heads Up: I believe in HEA. Real Life is far too sad for me not to write happy endings. Whether your HEA and mine are the same will remain to be seen. This will probably be a bit dramatic and angst filled, so if you can't handle suspense, I'd suggest you wait until I hit complete and save yourself some grief. (I'm a completed stories H00r, so I feel your pain).

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For the original two-shot special thanks to my betas at PTB: the-masticator, furious kitten, and KCerena. An extra special shout out to **idealistic4ver**, **ginginglee**, and **LoveofEscapism** for their kind words and encouragement. Ladies, you are the best!

Much love and thanks to my Beta for Life, **Browns**. She took this monster and beta'ed it as a o/s. Thanks for always having my back. I heart you, BB.

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Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

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**EPOV**

I hadn't meant to fall in love with Bella, but it happened anyway.

I wasn't expecting it. Falling in love with her turned my life upside down, in both good and bad ways. It showed me what true love and passion could be like. I felt alive when I was with her. Life made sense with Bella, and nothing had ever felt so right.

Or so wrong…

I knew if I had told Angela, she would have forgiven me, and maybe even given me her blessing. However, admitting to my wife that I had fallen in love with another woman was unthinkable to me. I knew it would destroy her, and I couldn't do that to her or to our marriage. Angela had been my best friend for more than twenty years, and you don't just walk away from that, no matter how right something else might feel.

Angela and I met in kindergarten; we were both placed in Mrs. Butler's class and were seated next to each other during the math portion of our day. Two plus two was a concept that escaped me, but Angela was there to help me figure it out. I had no interest in girls at the time, being only five, but her crooked front tooth caught my attention and I was forever grateful that she helped me with my addition problem.

I later repaid the favor when Lauren Mallory and Jessica Stanley trapped her at the top of the monkey bars, first daring her to climb up, and when she did, refusing to let her down. I pushed Lauren down, allowing Angela to climb down the ladder and reach the ground safely. Luckily, no one saw me push Lauren and she was too stunned to tattle on me. Angela thanked me with a smile, pushed her glasses further up her nose and grabbed my hand. She informed me that we were now best friends and would be for life. Then she dubbed me Eddie Penny, thanks to my copper colored hair.

Our friendship stood the test of time. It survived my "I hate girls" phase and Angela's parents' divorce, when all she did was cry and refuse to play with me. We made it through puberty relatively unscathed; Angela didn't laugh or get grossed out when I told her about my first wet dream, and I went with her to the store to buy pads the first time she got her period. My guy friends didn't understand our attachment and I couldn't explain it to them. Angela and I just fit; our friendship was effortless. Sure we fought, but we always made up soon after. There was nothing we couldn't say to one another. We were like peanut butter and jelly, carrots and peas, Oreos and milk. No matter what, the combination of the two of us together just worked.

We began dating our junior year in high school. We were both dateless for the homecoming dance and when my brother Emmett joked that we should just go together, we shrugged and agreed.

That was the night I kissed Angela for the first time. We had been dancing – not too close, of course – and laughing about everyone asking us if we were _finally_ a couple. Both of us had spent most of the night rolling our eyes and telling them no, hysterical at the thought that we would be anything more than the best of friends. It had never crossed my mind, and I'm fairly certain Angela had never thought about it either. I loved her, but I didn't _love _her.

Then I kissed her.

That kiss led to an awkward drive home and a few silent minutes sitting in my dad's car outside her house. Finally, I cleared my throat and the talking commenced. If there was one thing that Angela and I did well, it was communicating. Even at seventeen, we were able to talk and listen to each other on a level few adults could. Despite the awkwardness of the situation, this time proved no different.

I hadn't expected to feel anything when Angela and I kissed, but I did. I told Ang that I wanted to explore what it was. She was worried about ruining the friendship we shared, afraid if things didn't work out, we would be throwing away something incredibly special to both of us. I argued that we could be throwing away something even more special if we didn't at least try to see where this new thing blossoming between us could go.

She agreed, albeit reluctantly.

I kissed her good night on her front porch and never looked back.

Angela and I were an official couple by the following Monday, walking into school hand-in-hand. We dated the rest of our junior year, all through the following summer and right on through to our senior year of high school.

We lost our virginity together the night of our senior prom. I rented a hotel room in Port Angeles, and we left the prom just after the court was announced. Mike Newton and Jessica Stanley were crowned king and queen. I told Angela we had to leave before I vomited all over her beautiful dress. She laughed, kissing me and led me out to the car.

There were no nerves on the way to the hotel. Like everything that came before, our decision to make love had been easy. We were comfortably in love, trusted each other totally and were ready to take the next step in our relationship. It felt right. It felt easy. No worries, no regrets – just…pleasantly…nice.

Things between Ang and I were never overly passionate. I loved her, I desired her, but I never wanted to rip her clothes off and fuck her the minute I saw her. The emotional connection with her was the biggest part of my attraction to her, with the physical stuff a pleasant extra.

Graduation came and went with celebrations followed by goodbyes. Angela and I considered ourselves lucky; we weren't attending the same colleges, but we would be within two hours of one another. I was hoping to follow in my father's footsteps, so I was doing pre-med at Dartmouth, while Ang was studying pre-law at Boston College.

The next four years went as smoothly as they possibly could have. Angela and I had some small bumps in our road to be together, but nothing we couldn't handle. We saw each other almost every weekend, taking turns driving to our respective colleges. When we couldn't see each other in person, we called, wrote emails and even sent snail-mail.

I never cheated on Angela – I never had the desire to do so. There were many beautiful women at Dartmouth, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't attracted to some of them. While I was afforded many opportunities, I just didn't have it in me to betray my best friend.

Angela and I both graduated with honors, and were accepted to the University of Chicago – her for law, me for medicine.

I proposed to her over dinner the night of her graduation. Both of our mothers cried while our dads looked on with approval. Angela didn't cry, but she couldn't wipe the smile off her face. We had been together for five years and this seemed to be the next logical step for us. Again, it was easy and comfortable. I had no worries or regrets.

We settled into married life with the same ease we had always had in our relationship. There were minor disagreements and arguments over things like me remembering to put the toilet seat down or Angela's inability to put her dirty clothes in the hamper, but it was nothing we couldn't handle. Most of the time our disagreements ended in laughter and a promise to try harder.

Life was damn near perfect.

Classes began and medical school was a killer. I was constantly studying in the library, staying right up until closing some nights. Law school for Ang was just as brutal. For the next three years, the two of us were like two ships passing in the night. We went to class, we studied our asses off and sometimes fell into bed together. Our sex life became non-existent. We grumbled at each other and Angela broke down in tears more times than I could count.

But we never reached our breaking point.

As tough as things were, I never once considered walking out and leaving. This was Angela, my very best friend, my lover, my confident, my go-to-girl, my wife. Leaving was not an option. As tough as it was, as many slamming doors and tears of frustration that there were, we never even thought about calling it quits. Leaving Ang and our marriage would've been like cutting off an arm or a leg. I would have survived, but I never would have been the same. And it would have hurt like hell.

The stress lightened up once Angela graduated from law school and passed the bar exam. She was no longer on edge, fighting tooth and nail with others in her class for the top spot, avoiding the stabs in the back that she was used to getting. She found a low-pressure law firm that focused on children and family law. The partners in her firm were all women and they had no interest in working their employees into the ground to earn millions of dollars. The focus was on family – for their clients _and_ their employees. During her internships in law school, Ang had been involved in a few family court and child custody cases that tugged at her heart. By joining this firm, Angela could follow her passion and help the people she really felt needed it.

Things for me didn't lighten up at all. I still had two more years of medical school and then my residency to consider before Angela and I could have anything that resembled a normal life. Yet again, we found a way to make it work. We took the time we could spend together and made it special. We were happy, still in love, comfortable and content with one another.

Two years later, I graduated and, luckily, I secured a residency spot at Children's Memorial Hospital in Chicago, so Ang and I could stay in the city we'd grown to love. Thanks to her salary, we were able to move to a nicer, larger apartment closer to the hospital. Angela had to travel a bit further to get to work, but she swore she didn't mind, knowing that living close to the hospital would save precious time as I traveled back and forth.

It didn't take long for me to settle on pediatric surgery once I started at Children's Memorial. I had been leaning toward surgery from the very beginning of med school and after starting my residency rotation, it became clear that pediatric surgery was where I shined; it didn't hurt that I loved working with children either. It meant another five years of abnormal living – crazy schedules and limited time together. However, Angela seemed sincere when she told me that she knew being a doctor meant the world to me and she wanted nothing less than what I wanted. Her selflessness amazed me.

One night, during my second year of residency, I managed to make it home in time for dinner. Angela had cooked my favorite, roast beef and mashed potatoes, and set the kitchen up romantically with candles, the china that we got as a wedding present and our best linen tablecloth.

As we sat down for dinner, Angela told me she wanted us to start a family.

I sat back, stunned. While Angela and I had been together for eleven years and married for almost six of those, the topic of children had rarely come up. A long time ago we had agreed to wait until my residency was over so I would have more time to spend with our family.

"Ang, where is this coming from? I thought we agreed to wait…" I said quietly, not wanting to upset my wife, who already had tears in her eyes.

"Edward, I'm ready now. I know we talked about waiting because it would be easier, but honestly, things have been so smooth now. Your hours aren't anything I couldn't handle with a baby, and you're still around more often than you're not. I just…I want to have a child. I want to have your child. I think it's time."

I sighed, not wanting to tell her no, but not ready to tell her yes either.

I asked her if I could think on it for a little while. She smiled as she agreed, knowing that in order to make a decision I would fully support and be okay with, I would have to look at it from all sides.

I knew how grueling the next three years were going to be. I had no intention of missing out on my child's life. It just wasn't an option for me.

Yet, Angela wanted a child now. How could I deny her that? I had no doubt she would be a wonderful mother and any child would be lucky to have her as such.

Three days later, I came home to find my wife fast asleep in bed. I gently shook her awake and told her that I was ready to begin our family. We made love slowly and sweetly, knowing that our lives could change forever very soon.

A month later, I met Bella Swan and my life _did_ change forever.

It was a random Monday morning and I was standing in the elevator waiting for the doors to shut and take me to the surgical floor. At the last possible moment, a petite brunette stumbled through the doors with a muttered, "Shit!" She had made it in time, but the coffee she was carrying had spilled down the front of her.

I had my own coffee in my hands, and had grabbed some extra napkins to go with the coffee cake in my bag. I handed them to her, wanting to help.

"Thanks," she said. "I knew I should've just waited for the next elevator."

"Running late?" I asked with a small smile, knowing all too well how rough Monday mornings could be.

"Just a little. It's my first day and I wanted to get here early to make a good impression." She looked down at her coffee-stained scrubs. "And now it looks like instead of doing that, I'll be finding something else to wear."

"Are you a doctor?" I asked, wondering why I hadn't seen her around before.

Shaking her head, she answered, "Surgical nurse."

"Well, welcome to CMH. I'm sorry your first day hasn't started off so well."

She grinned. "It hasn't been so bad." Switching her coffee up and soiled napkins to her other hand, she held out her right for me to shake. "Bella Swan."

My hand reached out automatically to meet hers. "Edward Cullen."

I didn't notice my hand was tingling until after she walked away.

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Bella and I were thrown together right away, as she was scheduled in most of my surgeries. I ran into her in the elevator so often that we began joking that it was "our spot." The joke was purely innocent, but more often than not we were in the confined space together both coming into and leaving work. The time we spent together on the elevator allowed us to fall into a comfortable quasi-friendship. We spoke about our days and got to know each other a bit better. Those moments lasted no longer than a few minutes at a time, but for the second time in my life, I was falling into a friendship with a woman that was comfortable and effortless.

Those elevator encounters led to us hanging out together on the surgical floor.

Sometimes we would meet before a surgery to discuss a patient or afterwards to debrief. Many times other members of the team joined us, but we were always the first ones there and the last ones to leave. I found it easy to talk to Bella and laugh through the stress of our days.

I found Bella incredibly thoughtful. She took care of everyone around her, thinking of them in the smallest ways. From time to time she would come into work with a plate of cookies for the staff, having baked them the night before. When the husband of one of our nurses died unexpectedly, Bella was there to take on her shifts. She started a collection to help the woman pay some bills while she was out of work caring for their children and adjusting to a life without her husband.

Her kindness knew no bounds.

One day I was scheduled in back-to-back surgeries. Bella had been involved in the first one, but another scrub nurse had taken over for the second. We ran into some complications and a two-hour procedure turned into six hours. When I left the O.R., I was bloody, frustrated, and exhausted. The child had survived, but it was close. I was starving, but looking up at the clock in the doctors' lounge told me it was well after lunchtime. I was scheduled to check on some patients and there would be no time to go grab anything to eat.

I showered and changed before making my way out of the lounge and toward my first patient. I was stopped by Bella's voice.

"Dr. Cullen?" she called over to me softly.

I turned and gave her a tired smile. "Hey, Nurse Swan. What's up?"

She handed me a wrapped sandwich. "You can take ten minutes. Go eat." Nothing else was said; she just turned and walked away.

I was happily surprised by her friendly gesture – she thought of me enough to get me something to eat. "Thank you!" I called after her, but she didn't answer me, she just turned and waved before going on her way.

That night I told Angela of Bella's kindness and my wife was happy to know someone was looking out for me when she couldn't. "That was sweet of her! It's nice to know there are still people in this world who look out for one another."

I couldn't agree more with my wife. I felt privileged to know someone who was so genuinely kind and selfless.

However, I was trying to ignore the voice in the back of my head that was becoming louder with each passing day. The voice that always had something to say about the way my heart sped up everything I saw Bella's smile, or how my hand tingled anytime our fingers accidentally brushed up against one another. I was aware of Bella in ways that made me feel alive and alert - in ways I had never felt before, not even with my own wife.

Warning bells were dinging loudly in my head, but just like that annoying voice, I blocked them out.

Eventually though, even Angela noticed something and called me on it.

I was home in time for dinner with my wife, which was a rarity the last few weeks. My schedule had been out of control and it had been some time since I had been home at a decent hour. Our baby making plans had been put on the back burner, mainly because I wasn't home often enough for us to have sex. The voice wondered if our lack of sex had less to do with my schedule and more to do with my growing attraction toward Bella.

I told the voice to fuck off.

Angela and I were spending a quiet meal discussing little things, just catching up on each other's lives. I had just finished telling a story about something that happened at the hospital that day and how Bella had helped me out with a mother who wouldn't stop talking long enough to let me tell her how her son's surgery had gone. Bella had stepped in and calmed the mom considerably, freeing me up to speak to the father and explain that his son would recover completely. When I finished, I noticed Angela was grinning at me.

"What?" I asked, wondering how that story contributed to her smile.

"You like her."

My eyebrows furrowed. "Who?"

Angela's grin stayed in place and her eyes twinkled. "Bella. You like her. I think you may even have a little crush on her."

My heart started pounding and I could only stare at her. "Wha...Jesus, Ang, what the hell? I do not!"

Angela laughed. "Oh, I think you do, Dr. Cullen. You do realize you come home almost every day with a story that somehow involves Bella, don't you?"

Actually, I had no idea.

"Ang, I swear…there's nothing going on between Bella and me." I was paralyzed with the thought that Ang thought I might be cheating on her.

_I might be attracted to Bella, but I would never do that to Angela. Ever._

My wife gave me a brilliant smile. "I know, Edward. I know you would never cheat on me and betray our marriage that way. I'm just glad that you've met someone you can be friends with. Believe it or not, you need more of those – men or women."

"I have friends," I said defensively.

Ang shook her head at me and smiled. "Not really. You left Jazz and Emmett back in Washington. Since we moved to Chicago the only person you've hung out with is me. I was happy when you told me you'd met Bella, because it meant that you were actually meeting people again rather than just working or studying."

"I haven't been that bad, have I?" Had I really closed myself off from the world so much these last few years?

Angela reached over and took my hand. "You've isolated yourself a bit in your quest to do well in school and your residency. Luckily, I wasn't included in that, but you never came home and talked about someone you'd met in class or at work – at least until you met Bella. I'm happy to know you have a friend. From what you've told me, she seems like a special person. I'm glad you have her to hang out with when you're at work."

I was amazed. "It really doesn't bother you that Bella and I are friends?"

She shook her head and then raised an eyebrow. "No, not unless there's a reason it should…"

I responded in the negative, quickly. "No, no of course not. I'm just…not used to hearing about a wife who's happy with her husband being friends with another woman."

Ang leaned over and kissed my nose, then my lips. "I'm not just any woman, Edward Cullen, and you'd best remember that."

Squeezing her hand, I answered. "I will."

Later that night, we cuddled on the couch, watching a movie. As I held her in my arms, I remembered all of the reasons I had fallen in love with her and why I loved her still. Focusing on that helped quell the voice that spoke quietly in the back of my head speaking Bella's name.

While it was true that I was attracted to Bella, I _loved_ Angela. So, if Bella made me feel things I had never felt before, I was going to just have to continue to ignore it. The easiest way to do that was to cool our friendship. Angela's observation of how my tales from work always involved Bella was like a cold blast of water over my head. While my wife appreciate the fact that I had a new friend, I knew that my thoughts and feelings for Bella weren't always friend-like. I was treading on dangerous ground and I was smart enough to realize that while things with Bella were innocent now, my attraction to her might not always keep them that way. It was best to walk away before I got in any deeper.

My resolution was strong as I pulled Angela tighter into me. She snuggled deeper into my chest, then reached up to kiss my chin.

"I think I'm ready for bed, Dr. Cullen. How do you feel about joining me?"

I kissed her lips. "Lead the way, sweetheart."

Maybe she could help me wash away all the thoughts I had of Bella.


	2. Chapter Two

**EPOV**

I began to avoid Bella at work. Our meetings before and after surgeries had ended abruptly thanks to me, but she never once questioned me about it. She treated me as she always had, although every time I saw her there were questions in her eyes and a small frown upon her lips.

I was not comfortable around Bella anymore. I felt edgy and jumpy whenever she was in the vicinity.

And I always knew when she was there.

My back could have been turned away from her when she walked in the room, but I could feel her presence the minute she was anywhere near me. I could tell the minute she stepped onto the surgical floor and the minute she left. I knew what patient room she was in before I looked. There was a pull I felt toward her that confused and frightened me.

So, I avoided her. It was better this way. I would not have to fight my growing attraction and pull toward her and I would remain faithful to Angela in my mind, heart and soul.

However, the universe seemed to have other plans for Bella and me. We were thrown together at every opportunity.

Not only was she still in almost every surgery that I had, but I ran into her all over the hospital, not just on the surgical floor. I saw her in the elevator, the cafeteria, the chapel.

I had been spending more time in the hospital's chapel, trying to find some peace from the turmoil that was erupting inside of me. Carlisle always had a strong sense of faith and he had tried to instill the same in Emmett and me. I'd never fought it, but I had never embraced it either. Lately though, I found peace there. It was quiet and comforting and allowed me to just think…and be. There was no judgment there and best of all…no Bella.

Until one day, not too long after my decision to distance myself from her, I saw her there.

I had some time between surgeries and decided to visit my quiet, meditative spot. All morning something felt off. Bella was scheduled to be at work the same time I was, but I didn't see her – or sense her – like I usually did. My stomach was churning with fear and worry, and my heart felt heavy with guilt for having those feelings.

The minute I stepped into the chapel, I sensed her presence. I scanned the pews, looking for her dark brown hair tied up in its normal ponytail. She was sitting to my left, her hands clutching the seat in front of her. Her forehead was resting there and her shoulders were shaking lightly.

My first instinct was to rush to her side and comfort her, as she was in obvious pain. Immediately following that thought, I considered turning and running as far and as fast as I could. My avoidance had been working – to a point – so far, and to enter the chapel and speak to her would throw all that down the drain. Coming in and leaving her alone wasn't an option either. There was no way I could be so close and not want to help her in some way.

I took a deep breath and stepped further into the chapel. Despite my own confusion, Bella had been nothing but a good friend to me and there was obviously something wrong with her. I had no choice but to check on her.

"Bella," I said softly, stopping at the end of her pew.

She looked up at me, tears streaming down her face. I immediately went to her and wrapped her in my arms. She clung to me and cried quietly into my chest. Her body was racked by sobs and I tightened my embrace, trying to offer the only comfort I could.

Eventually her sobs died down and she pulled away from me.

"I'm so sorry." Bella swiped at her cheeks, trying to remove the tears and snot left there by her breakdown. I reached down and took the corner of my white jacket in my hand and moved it to her face. She watched me silently as I wiped her face clear.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked her, hoping she would open up to me.

Bella shook her head and then nodded. "It's…my dad." She took a deep breath to gain control and began again. "My mom called and told me that he…he's had a massive heart attack. He's in the hospital and they're not sure if he's going to make it." Her tears began again and I pulled her back into my arms.

"Where is he?" I asked.

"Phoenix. His surgery is scheduled for four o'clock our time. I couldn't get a flight out before tonight at six. I called in…but I couldn't sit at home alone. I figured being here doing busy work would be better than pacing my apartment all day."

There were a million trite sayings I could've quoted to her at that point. I could've told her that her father would be fine and she had nothing to worry about. I could've told her that everything happens for a reason and it would be okay. But none of that was true. I didn't know if her dad would make it and I didn't know if things would be okay. So, I just held her and hoped that would help.

"Do you need a ride to the airport?"

I was late getting home after dropping Bella off at the airport. We spent the entire day together, with me doing whatever I could to keep her busy. The surgeries I had scheduled were routine, but I refused to allow Bella to join in on them. Her mind was thousands of miles away and I couldn't allow her to work on a patient when she couldn't think clearly. When she wasn't with me, I gently turned her over to our head nurse who kept her busy with paperwork and random errands. The minute I was out of surgery, I was back at her side, asking her opinion about the Cubs and her favorite college memories. It kept her occupied. While her mind was never completely off what her father was going through in Arizona, it passed the time until we could leave for the airport.

I parked the car in short-term parking to walk her inside. She assured me once or twice that she'd be fine, but I didn't feel comfortable just dropping her off. It was easy to tell that she was happy I was going inside with her. At the security line, she turned to thank me and I pulled her into my arms. We clung to each other, the hug saying everything we couldn't say out loud. Something had changed between us that day and I knew – we both knew – that there was no turning back from it. We were no longer just colleagues, just friends. Something had irrevocably changed between us.

What it would mean for the future was still unclear.

We finally pulled away from one another, but I kept my arms wrapped around her waist. "You'll let me know how things go, right?"

Bella nodded. "Sure." Her eyes were filled with tears and she shut them briefly when my hand came up and tucked her hair behind her ear.

"Be safe."

"I will."

I pulled her towards me once more, squeezing her tightly before letting her go. She seemed reluctant to leave my arms and God knows all I wanted to do was pull her back to me. Our fingers touched lightly before she turned and walked away from me. I watched her go through security until I could no longer see her. When she was gone from my sight, I turned and walked away.

Angela was sitting at the kitchen table when I walked into the apartment. I had called her earlier to explain that I was bringing Bella to the airport and the reason why. She had sounded despondent, but didn't explain why when I asked. The answer was waiting for me on the kitchen table.

Ang picked up the pregnancy test as I walked over to her. "It's negative." She placed it back onto the table with a soft click.

"I'm sorry, honey. We'll just keep trying."

"Edward, I think something is wrong. I should've been pregnant by now."

I leaned down and kissed the top of her head, trying to offer my best friend the only comfort I could. I knew it was breaking her heart that we hadn't gotten pregnant yet, and at the same time, I was relieved. My feelings for Bella were causing massive confusion and guilt inside of me and I didn't want to bring a child into our lives when I was feeling so conflicted. Yet, I hated to see Ang so heartbroken. Despite my feelings for Bella, Angela was my best friend and I was married to her. I had spent all day comforting another woman; the least I could do was try to comfort my wife.

"Honey, sometimes it takes a while. We're both healthy adults; it'll happen when it's supposed to, I promise."

I hoped my words didn't sound as hollow and fake to my wife as they sounded to me.

Angela stood up and wrapped her arms around me. "Maybe we should make an appointment with a fertility specialist." Her voice was slightly muffled by my shirt.

I leaned back so I could look at her. "Ang, we haven't even been trying for six months and most specialists won't see us before then. Some make people wait up to a year. Let's just relax and see what happens, okay?"

_Did I really just say that to her? Could I be anymore of an asshole?_

The tears began. "But what if…what if something is wrong and we can't…"

"Honey, we can't think like that. It's only been a few months. Let's give it some more time. Whatever happens, we'll figure it out."

I felt like the world's biggest fucker, but those were the only words I could give her right now. The guilt I felt about Bella and the relief I felt over the fact that Angela was not pregnant was making me sick to my stomach. I felt like a monster for lying to my wife, even if they were only lies of omission. I had never kept anything from her before and it felt wrong to be doing so now. At the same time, if I told her what was going on inside of me – even when I didn't really know myself – it would break her heart. I couldn't do that to her.

Angela nodded and snuggled back into my embrace. We went to bed soon after, with both of us lying awake for different reasons. My thoughts were with Bella in Phoenix and I knew Angela was next to me worrying about getting pregnant. For the first time in our relationship there seemed to be a space between us and I wasn't sure how to cross it.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to.


	3. Chapter Three

**EPOV**

A month passed with no word from Bella. I found out from the head nurse that Bella had called and told the hospital that she would be gone for an extended period of time, helping with her father's recovery. He had made it through surgery with no complications and was on the road to perfect health. Bella was staying to make sure all went smoothly and that her mother would be able to handle any issues that might come up.

She never called me.

I checked my phone obsessively, especially when I was away from Angela, but there was never even so much as a text message from her. I debated calling her, just to check in and see how she was doing, but her silence said more to me than any phone call could.

Whatever had passed between us at the airport had been a once in a lifetime thing. It would never happen again. It _could_ never happen again. I loved Angela and would not throw away our relationship, no matter how Bella made me feel. It wouldn't be fair to Angela and I didn't want to do anything that would hurt my best friend.

As the weeks passed, the gulf between Angela and me widened. I knew exactly what caused it, but I had no idea how to make it go away. Whether it was the lack of Angela's ability to get pregnant or my longing for Bella, something was different between us. Yet, we continued on as we always had – working, living, and loving each other the only way we knew how.

One month turned into two. Bella was still in Phoenix. Angela and I were still struggling in our marriage. I was at a loss as to how to fix it or how to come to terms with just how much I missed Bella. I longed to see her face, to see her smile, to smell her sweet scent. I wanted to hold her in my arms and rock her, pulling strength from her and giving some in return.

The guilt these feelings left in me was strong and draining. Angela could tell something was wrong, but she too was wrapped up in her own head and we were having a hard time reaching out to one another. We talked about the distance between us, but no matter how much we communicated, nothing changed. I knew I wasn't being honest with Ang about what was really going on with me, and there was no way to fix what was happening between us without telling her everything. I knew how much it would hurt her though, and I would do anything in my power to keep that from happening.

I came home from work one night to find Angela waiting for me on the living room couch. I immediately walked over and sat down beside her. Normally, I would have reached out and put my arm around her, but with the distance between us, it didn't feel right. It saddened me, but not enough to actually make myself reach for her.

"Hey. How was your day?"

"Long. Tiring." She was silent for a moment and then she looked over at me. "I think I'm going to take a vacation and go visit my mom in Forks for awhile."

My heart started pounding. _Was she leaving me?_

"Oh…um…for how…" I had to cough, to find my voice again. "For how long?"

She gave me a tiny smile. "Just for a week. She called last night and seemed kind of down. I thought I'd go out and see her, cheer her up a bit."

"Is she okay?"

"Yeah, I think she's just lonely and misses me."

I nodded slowly. "Is that the only reason you're going?"

Angela hesitated, then nodded. "Mostly."

"Ang, do you think…I mean…are we going to be okay?"

In all the talks we had about our relationship and what was happening between us, never once had I ever asked this question. Not in our worse moments during our college separation and the years of med school and law school had I ever wondered if we weren't going to make it. Lately, however, that very question had been plaguing me. I was conflicted by my fear of losing my best friend...and the questions I had in my head and heart of "what if."

"I hope so. I mean, I'm not leaving to give either one of us space as much as I'm leaving to get my head on straight. This baby thing has really messed with me and I hope that maybe if I take a break and relax, I can come home to you as my old self."

She was trying to fix things, which meant I owed it to her - to our relationship - to try and do the same. "I can call Chief Adams and see if he'll let me take some time off too. I could come with you and we could relax together."

"I'd like that."

I kissed the top of her head and stood up, picking up my cell off the table and walking into the kitchen to give the Chief a call.

Twenty minutes later, I had my answer. There was no way I was going to be able to get time off anytime soon. Vacation time had to be requested months in advance, and short of a family emergency, there was no way I could leave. Since it wasn't an emergency, I was stuck here in Chicago while Ang went home to Forks.

Angela took the news in stride, admitting she hadn't really thought I'd be able to get the time off. She was leaving in two days and would be gone for eight.

The next couple of days were spent working and loving one another. We weren't sexual, as that part of our relationship had taken a serious nose-dive due to the baby-making issue, and my unresolved feelings for Bella. It struck me as ironic that in order to make a baby we had to engage in some baby-making moves, but neither of us seemed into it anymore. We had never had a very passionate relationship, and it seemed glaringly obvious now. We held each other, but there was no urgency in our embrace. It was comforting and easy, but it was not any more consuming than it ever had been.

I never noticed the difference until I had held Bella at the airport. While that embrace had been comforting, it had also been filled with something deeper, more primal. There was an intensity in that embrace that didn't compare to the ones I had with Angela.

I loved my wife, but it was becoming clearer to me that there were many different kinds of love and ours was not of the "can't-eat-can't-breath-without-each-other" type. Our love was friendly, comfortable and soothing. Intense and overwhelming, not so much. There was no pressing need, no deep passion, no feeling of longing or loneliness that should have come with a pending absence. We just continued on as we had begun.

I took Angela to the airport and left her with a kiss, dropping her off at the departure area. She had not wanted me to come inside with her, saying it was unnecessary. I couldn't help but compare our goodbye with the one I shared with Bella months before.

The differences were glaring and unnerving.

"Hey Cullen! Swan's back."

My head whipped around to face Matt Tyler, who was standing in front of the surgery board, looking over the schedule for the day.

He grinned at me and pointed to her name under mine on the first surgery of the day. "She's on the board with you for this morning with the Evans girl. Haven't you talked to her since she's been back?"

I shook my head. "No, I haven't seen her."

Tyler scoffed. "I'm shocked. Before she left, you two were attached at the hip. What happened? Wife told you to knock that shit off?" He winked at me.

I rolled my eyes, the truth burning in my gut. I wanted to punch the motherfucker in his face, but I kept my cool and played it off. "Yeah, Tyler, that's exactly what happened."

His face fell when I refused to play along with his teasing. "Dude, I was just kidding."

"Yeah, it was funny." I turned and walked toward the lounge, trying to control my heart rate and breathing.

_She's back, she's back, she's back._

Part of me was ecstatic that I would finally see her again after so long. But there was another part that was sincerely hurt and disappointed that she never once contacted me while she was gone. I also realized that Bella being back was probably not a good thing – at least not a good thing for my marriage.

I spent ten minutes calming myself down in the lounge, knowing I would have to see her in surgery soon. I wanted her to be oblivious to the effect she had on me. It was bad enough that I was torturing myself about the feelings I had for her. There was no way I was going to drag Bella down with me.

A short time later, we were standing in the operating room, working together just as we always had. We said a short hello to each other and I asked about her father. She replied that he was recovering well and he and her mother were adjusting to a new, healthier way of life. I gave her a small smile and she returned it, our eyes saying everything we couldn't.

_I missed you. I'm confused. God, you look good. I'm scared. What does this mean? How can I stay away from you? I missed you so much. I lov…_

We were interrupted when the rest of the team joined us and the surgery began.

We spent the rest of the day watching each other. We were never without the company of others, and I was strangely grateful for that. I wasn't sure what would happen once we were alone, and putting off that moment for as long as possible seemed to be a good thing.

What was obvious to me, and hopefully to her, was that what had begun in the airport had not disappeared during her time away. If anything it seemed stronger, ready to consume us at any moment. Part of me had hoped it had all been in my imagination, so I could return to my marriage with a clear conscious, knowing that I had teetered on the edge of something dangerous but never fell over to the other side. It wasn't meant to be, though, as one look into Bella's brown eyes told me that what was between us wasn't just in my imagination.

The clock was inching toward seven p.m. and I knew that we were both off work at that time. I was hoping she would agree to meet me for a drink at the bar across the street so we could talk. Maybe not about what was happening between us, but at the very least about her trip and how she was doing since she'd been gone. I knew that we would eventually have to have a conversation about what we were feeling, but tonight didn't feel like the right time. Now that she was back, now that I had seen her for the first time in two months, I needed some time before we had that conversation. I wasn't sure what I wanted anymore, and I needed to be alone and think before I did something that I'd regret forever.

It was six fifty-nine when the call came in from the E.R. They were sending up a two-year-old girl with massive internal injuries that she had sustained in a car accident. I was waiting at the elevators when they brought her up; Bella was already in the O.R., prepping.

What followed were the worst three hours I ever spent as a surgeon. The injuries the poor child had suffered were incredible. Just as I repaired one part of her body, something else went wrong. At ten twenty-eight p.m., I pronounced Marlene Elizabeth Beckett dead.

I had lost children in surgery before. However, they had all been a bit older, or sick for a long time and their deaths hadn't been completely unexpected. This was the first time I had a lost a child so young to such a traumatic event.

I had to leave her poor, broken body on the operating table so she could be cleaned up before her parents would be brought to see her. First, I had to go out and tell them that despite our – my – best efforts, their child was dead.

She had been with her babysitter when a drunk driver ran a red light and crushed the car. The babysitter had died on impact. It was a shock that Marlene had survived as long as she had. But her fragile little body couldn't handle the trauma it suffered, and no amount of work on my part could've healed her.

It was brutal. I watched as a family imploded right in front of my eyes. I had to swallow down my tears and control my breathing as I watched that little girl's parents crumble before me. Eventually, one of the nurses arrived to take them to their daughter.

I made it to the shower in the lounge before I broke down. I cried for that tiny little girl who would never get the chance to live and for her parents who would never see her grow. I cried for the confusion and fear I was constantly living with, and the thought of hurting someone I loved more than life itself. I cried for thinking about walking away from Bella without ever knowing what was between us and what it might mean. I cried for all that was and what could never be.

I was drained by the time I dressed and left the hospital. I looked half-heartedly for Bella, but I couldn't find her. It was probably for the best.

I walked the eight blocks home, trying to stay aware of my surroundings through my exhaustion. The minute I walked into my dark apartment, I realized I had made a mistake. I couldn't be here, by myself, with only my thoughts to keep me company. I couldn't wipe that little girl's face from my mind or the tears I saw on Bella's mask as I called her death.

I debated calling Angela, who would still be awake in Washington, but even the thought of my wife's voice couldn't bring me comfort. There was only one person I wanted to be with, only one place I needed to be…

It was impossible.

I turned and walked back toward the hospital, but instead of going inside, I walked over to Tony's, the bar across the street. Tony glanced up from behind the bar as I walked in, giving me a huge grin. He took one look at my face and his smile dropped. He took out a shot glass and a bottle of whiskey as I took a seat on the stool in front of him.

"Let me know when you want me to call you a cab," he said quietly, leaving the whiskey on the bar next to me.

Tony had been in business across from the hospital long enough to know when it was a whiskey night for any doctor that walked inside. He knew well the look on the face of someone who had lost a patient.

I grabbed the bottle and poured a shot into the glass, downing it quickly. I was reaching to set myself up for another when I heard the bell over the door ring and my body tensed.

Even here, I could sense her the minute she walked in the bar.

Seconds later, her hand was on my shoulder.

I glanced over at her and saw the tears on her cheeks. "Can I get one of those?" she asked quietly, pulling up the stool next to mine and dropping her hand from my shoulder. Her voice was thick with sorrow and tears, her throat rough and raw from her crying.

I nodded and motioned to Tony, who took one look and brought over another shot glass. He smiled sympathetically at us both and left Bella and me to our devices.

We both took a shot, looking deep into each other's eyes. I set us up for another one and down again the alcohol went.

The buzz was starting to creep in, but I was nowhere near drunk enough to forget the little girl I couldn't save.

Staring at Bella, there was a part of me that realized that I might not want to drink enough to forget – or regret – anything.

We took another shot, her third and my fourth. Our bodies gravitated toward each other and soon we were sitting thigh-to-thigh, shoulder-to-shoulder. I could see Tony glancing down at us, debating whether to call us a cab, but I shook my head at him. Bella stood up, only slightly unsteadily, from her stool and gave me a small smile.

Without thinking about it – consequences be damned – I stood with her. She looked surprised at first, and then nervous. I watched as the anxiety in her eyes faded into acceptance. We both knew where this was heading and we were both helpless to stop it. We were too raw, too hurt, too disillusioned. We had no regard for anything other than what we were about to do.

We walked, not touching, the six blocks to her apartment. We didn't live far from each other, and I could only shake my head at the universe's sense of humor. No matter what, we were drawn together, constantly orbiting one another.

The walk to her place was silent, the same way it had been in the bar. There were no words for what was happening, for what we were feeling, and thinking in that moment.

The silence and calm held until we were in her apartment. The minute Bella shut and locked the front door my hands were cupping her face so I could finally kiss her. She reached up and grasped the back of my head, threading her fingers through my hair. She smelled of coconut and tasted of whiskey and tears. Her mouth opened under my assault, and I plunged my tongue inside, tangling it with hers.

There was no gentleness when her fingers left my hair and fumbled for my t-shirt. Bella tugged at the bottom of it, trying to pull it up and over my body, but my arms were in the way. My hands were in her hair, pulling and tugging, moving her head to back and to the left so I could have access to her neck. There was a part of me that knew how wrong doing this was, but I could only concentrate on how good it felt …how _right_ it felt.

My shirt came off, and Bella's hands were all over my torso and back, touching and digging into my skin. It was like she couldn't get close enough, and wanted to crawl inside of me.

Her shirt accompanied mine onto the floor, and her bra followed. Her breasts were naked to me for the first time – lush and round, her pink nipples erect. They were so different from what I was used to, and I had to stop my train of thought there. I would not think about anything other than this moment with Bella. Nothing – and no one – would distract me from the woman standing in front of me. I felt a short burst of guilt, but I allowed the lust and love I was feeling to overwhelm it.

Her hands were at my waist, pulling at the button on my jeans. She got it free, and pulled my zipper down, getting my cock in her hand before I could take my next breath. I leaned my forehead against her chest, moaning at the pleasure I felt from having her small hand wrapped around me. My jeans were off in the next instant, and then I was standing in front of her, completely naked.

I had nothing left to hide.

Bella dropped to her knees in front of me, and grasped the base of my dick in her hand, her mouth encompassing the tip. I threw back my head and groaned loudly from the sensation of her hot, wet mouth around me, the way it felt to have her teeth graze gently along my shaft. She pumped once, twice and it took all I had not to explode.

"Fuuuuckk…Bellla…" I gasped, trying to gain control of my body when all I wanted to do was fuck her mouth. Instead, I put my hands in her hair and pulled her away. She looked up at me, confused, and I wanted to kiss the pout off her lips. I dropped to my knees and meld her mouth to mine.

I nibbled at her lips as I lowered both of us to the hardwood floor. Bella's hair was spread out in crazy tangles beneath her, her chest heaving from her heavy breaths. I could have spent all night worshiping her nipples, caressing and molding the soft flesh in my hands, but I had so much more to explore.

I left her lips and trailed mine down her body, over her breasts to her navel. Bella's hips arched up from the ground, and I bit back the groan in my throat. She was impatient with me, urging me to get where I was going quickly.

I pulled down her yoga pants inch by delicious inch, exposing the lower half of her body to my eyes. Bella's back bowed off the floor once more, and I chuckled softly at her eagerness.

"Edward, please," she begged me, grasping at my hair, as she tried to pull me closer to her.

"What, baby? What do you want?"

"Touch me, please…"

I couldn't resist her pleas any longer and I slipped a finger underneath her panties. I moved through the soft curls to find her slit. We both groaned at my touch and I couldn't wait any longer. With a swift rip, I tore the cloth from her body. She gasped as I spread her knees and dove into heaven.

I breathed in her scent, my eyes closing with her musky taste. My lips sucked at her clit and I brought my tongue out to brush at it. Bella moaned loudly, bucking her hips up into my face. I pushed one, then two fingers inside of her. I couldn't get enough of her. I was amazed at how intoxicating an act this was, considering I had never done it before. I had never _wanted _to do it before; I had never wanted someone so badly. She was soft and wet on my face and I never, ever wanted to leave.

I felt her body tighten around me, contracting as she screamed my name. My tongue was pressing nonsensical patterns against her clit as my fingers moved inside her, over and over. My cock was pressed hard into the wood beneath us, and I was afraid that if I didn't get inside her soon, I would drill a hole through her floor.

"Bella, baby?"

"Oh, fuuuck…ye…yeah?" She was barely able to answer me, pulling as much air into her lungs as she possibly could.

"Can I fuck you now? Please, I…need you." My words came out strangled and I begged her to tell me yes. After everything, I was fairly certain she wanted me inside of her as much as I wanted to be there, but I had to ask. I wanted there to be no mistakes or confusion later.

"God, yes. Get inside me," she whispered breathlessly, and I wasted no more time. In one swift movement, I pushed inside of her.

Bella screamed and I immediately stopped for fear that in my hurry, I had hurt her. Her eyes were shut tight, and I did all I could not to move as I felt her adjust around me.

"Bella, baby…are…you okay?" I got out through gritted teeth.

Bella took a deep breath and opened her eyes. Smiling at me, she brought her legs up around my hips and moves upward, pulling me into her even more.

"I thought you were going to fuck me…" She bit her bottom lip and I groaned loudly.

My movements were small and slow at first as I stared into her eyes. The depth of emotion I saw there was thrilling, and added to the moment we were sharing. I couldn't get close enough to her. I buried myself inside of her and only wanted to get deeper until there was no way to figure out where she ended and I began.

I couldn't control the pace for long though, and soon I was plunging into her deeper and faster. Her calves were resting on my shoulders, and from her moans I could tell I'd found her g-spot. I felt her tighten around me, and I couldn't hold back any longer. Her orgasm triggered my own and I exploded inside of her.

She screamed my name and I couldn't help but smile that I had brought her such pleasure.

We lay there on the floor together, breathing hard. I was trying to keep my weight off of her with my arms, but I could barely hold myself up. Her legs fell to the floor, but her hands were still tangled in my hair, although they were just resting there without moving. We both groaned as I pulled out of her, and I was devastated by the loss of our connection. It hurt emotionally to move away from her.

I rolled to my side next to her and pulled her into my arms, kissing her forehead and running my hands up and down her body, as I tried to soothe whatever hurt I may have caused by fucking her into oblivion on the floor of her apartment.

We snuggled there for a few minutes before Bella groaned, shifting on the floor. Realizing she was probably uncomfortable as hell, I stood up and then leaned down, moving one arm across her back, the other under her knees, lifting her. I stood straight, and looked down into her eyes.

"Bedroom?" I asked quietly, not wanting to break the comfortable silence we'd fallen into.

Bella pointed her arm toward the back of the apartment, and I followed her silent directions until we were standing next to her bed. I reached, pulling down her comforter and sheets without letting go of her. I only removed my arms from around her body after placing her on the bed.

Bella whimpered as I stepped away from her, but I reached down and ran my hand over her hair, trying to reassure her. "Bathroom?"

She pointed to a door on the other side of the room, and I smiled at her before turning and walking over to it. I stepped inside, leaving the door slightly cracked, not willing to have a barrier between us. My mind wanted to start racing, but I shut it down, knowing that the morning would be soon enough and I would have more than enough time to think then.

After taking care of necessities, I walked back into Bella's room to find her bed empty. I glanced around, panicked, wondering where she could possibly have gone.

"Bella?" I called, the worry evident in my voice.

"Right here," she answered quietly, walking back into the bedroom. She had two glasses of water in her hands and looked magnificent in her nakedness.

"I thought you might like some water." She shrugged and handed it to me. I smiled at her before taking a deep drink from the glass.

Setting it down on the table beside her bed, I pulled back the sheets a bit further so I could crawl inside. Bella followed, and I immediately pulled her into my arms once she was under the covers. She snuggled close and hummed contentedly as my arms tightened around her, placing a light kiss on my throat. My eyes closed in satisfaction and we drifted off to sleep.

We woke in the middle of the night, and reached for each other once more. Our lovemaking was slower this time, less brutal and much more gentle. As I slipped inside of her, she whimpered in happiness and I couldn't help it when a sigh escaped my lips as well.

This was…home.

I heard her clearly as she whispered, "I love you."

My answer was strong. "I love you, too."


	4. Chapter Four

**EPOV**

Bella was still sleeping when I woke up the next morning, spooned behind her. The sunlight was bright through her curtains and I knew, without a doubt, I had to leave.

I gently detangled our bodies, my heart slowly breaking the further I moved away from her. There was no doubt in my mind that I was completely in love with Bella – heart, mind, and soul. Leaving her was unbearable.

But I had no choice.

I made my way into her kitchen, the site of our frantic fucking. I picked up her clothes and laid them over the back of one of her kitchen chairs. I dressed quickly and quietly, hoping that I wouldn't wake her. I needed to put off the inevitable conversation we would have to have for as long as I could. I had to go and get my thoughts together. I had to decide once and for all what I truly wanted. There was no way I would drag either Angela or Bella through a messy, torrid affair.

Last night was one of the best nights of my life, but it would not be repeated, at least not this way. There is no way I could be married to one woman while carrying on an affair with another. I would have to choose.

I let myself into the apartment and as I tossed my keys on the table near the door, my eyes landed on my and Angela's wedding photo. The guilt crushed my chest and I found it hard to breathe. I tore my gaze away and walked into the bedroom to the attached bathroom. Peeling off my clothes, I jumped in the shower, erasing Bella's scent. As it flowed down the drain, the tears fell from my face.

I couldn't believe I had cheated on Angela, my best friend, my love, my wife.

_Who the fuck was I?_

I was a married man who loved his wife, but I was also _in_ _love_ with another woman.

Never in a million years had I expected to find Bella and feel what I felt for her. I hadn't meant to fall in love with her, hadn't meant to be anything more or less than her friend. Somewhere along the way though, those feelings had flipped and turned…and I loved her.

How could I look at Angela after twenty years of friendship and six years of marriage and tell her I had fallen in love with another woman? I stood in front of God, our families and our friends and promised to love, honor and cherish her. I promised to be faithful and _never_ forsake her.

Yet, last night, I had done just that.

And Bella. She deserved so much more than a man who was promised to someone else. She deserved someone who could be hers and only hers, without lies and broken vows.

The water turned colder and I shut off the tap. I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror, seeing just how shitty I looked. I was scheduled to go into work in an hour, but I couldn't face Bella, not without knowing what I was going to do.

I called in, and Chief Adams' secretary didn't seem upset by my call. I rarely used the sick days I had, so I barely felt guilty for lying to her about why I couldn't make it into work that day.

I had so much more to feel guilty about.

I knew Bella would probably be upset that I wasn't there, and she would begin questioning what happened last night, if she wasn't already. She probably hadn't been thrilled to wake up and find me gone without so much as a note left in my wake.

_Just call me a motherfucking bastard, because that's what I am._

I spent the whole day deep in thought, trying to figure out what to do. My heart was pulling me in two different directions and I had no idea which was the right one.

On one hand, there was Angela. I had loved her since we were seventeen years old. I adored her, and I loved her in a million little ways. The problem was, I just didn't love her the way a husband should love his wife.

With Bella, there was passion. Desire. An intense need and want for her, one I had never, ever felt with Angela. After being with her, being around her, I quickly realized what had been missing in my life with Angela. Instead of growing weaker even after spending the night making love to her, my desire for Bella had only grown. I wanted her, even now, feeling like shit as I sat alone in my apartment. I wanted to find her and sweep her up, carry her away and never let her go. I wanted to make love to her over and over, showing her physically as well as emotionally just how much I loved her and wanted to be with her.

How could I possibly do that to Angela though? Was I just going to allow her to come home and spring this on her? Admit that I had fallen in love with the woman she had jokingly referred to as my "work wife" and that I was leaving her? How could I break her heart like that?

It was bad enough I had broken my marriage vows and slept with another woman, although it was hard to think of my night with Bella as a mistake. It was wrong, morally and ethically, I knew this; but in my heart, it felt right and it was difficult for me to regret it.

It didn't change the fact though, that by sleeping with Bella, I had betrayed my wife and our marriage. I had taken the trust my oldest and dearest friend had put in me and pissed all over it. I may not feel regret for doing so, but it didn't mean I wasn't a shit for doing it in the first place. And not feeling bad about it only made me feel a hundred times worse.

I went back and forth like this all day. Bella. Angela. Angela. Bella. Bella. Angela. No matter what I did, no matter if I chose to save my marriage or follow my passion, someone would get hurt. A woman I loved would be devastated.

_I was the world's biggest shit_.

Just after five o'clock, my phone rang. It was my mother.

And just like that, the decision was made.

I could not and I would not hurt my family – hurt Angela – by walking away from our marriage. She deserved better than that.

As alive I felt with Bella, and as in love with her I was, Angela had been my best friend since we were five years old. I loved her and I committed my life to her. There was no way I could leave her. We were trying to start a family and I took vows that I needed to see through. My loyalty and commitment to Angela left me no choice. I would stay with my wife, despite my feelings and love for Bella.

The pain in my chest left me breathless and I couldn't help the tears that ran down my cheeks. I loved two wonderful, amazing women, but the reality was that I had promised my love, my life to only one of them. I would keep the promise I made, despite my love for Bella.

Glancing at the clock, I realized that it was after six p.m. and that Bella would be home from her shift soon. I wanted to talk to her in person and tell her of my decision; it was the very least I could do after the shit I pulled this morning. She deserved so much more than being told over the phone or through a letter. The option of just ignoring her never even crossed my mind. My Bella warranted much better treatment than that.

I showered once more, wiping the remnants of my tears from my face. I dressed slowly, wanting to put this off for as long as I could. I knew that what I was about to do would break my heart, but the pain I was going to put Bella through was even more unbearable to me. She had been nothing but kind, sweet and loving. The monster in me was putting her through something that she didn't deserve.

_Monster. It's the perfect name for what I've become._

By the time I dressed and left the apartment, it was almost seven-thirty. Bella should've been home by then, if she went right home after work. If not, I would wait for her. I couldn't put this off.

The closer I got to her apartment, the slower I moved. My heart was screaming at me not to do this, but my head was telling me I had no choice – that this was the right thing to do. My heart wasn't completely convinced that it was wrong, as there was a part of it that still and always would, belong to Angela. I was a selfish bastard in that I wanted them both, but it wasn't an option. Both of my girls meant more to me than that.

I took the stairs to Bella's apartment rather than using the elevator – again, procrastinating as much as I could. The inevitable couldn't be held off though, and soon I was in front of her door.

I raised my hand to knock, but couldn't quite make it land on the wood. My chest was tight, my breathing labored.

I would do this. I _had_ to do this. It was my only option.

Before I could think any further, I raised my hand once again and this time, let it land with a solid rap against the door. I could hear shuffling behind the door before it opened.

Her beauty left me speechless. There was a deep sadness in her eyes, but at the same time, I could see the light of happiness and hope in them as well. My heart broke for the hundredth time that day, knowing that she was still holding out the belief that this could end any other way than it was going to. I kept my face impassive; I would not allow her to see how difficult this was for me. If she knew that I wanted to waver, that my heart was conflicted, it would only make it harder for her to move on. I wanted to leave her with no doubt, no uncertainty. I didn't want her to know how I felt, for fear that she would wait for me, and hope that someday my love for her would bring me back to her. I would never leave Angela and I couldn't give Bella any false hope that things between us were anything more than a one-time mistake.

"Hi," she said quietly as I stood and stared at her.

"Hello." I kept my voice cool, almost bordering on cold. I wanted to pull her into my arms and kiss her senseless. I wanted to tell her how sorry I was and how much I loved her and wanted to be with her forever.

What I wanted and what I had to do were two different things.

"Come in." She opened the door a bit wider, allowing me to step in past her. I didn't walk too far into the kitchen, rooted to the floor as the memories from the night before assaulted me. I took a deep breath, keeping it steady, hoping Bella wouldn't hear.

_Time to act your ass off, Cullen._

I turned and faced her. She was looking at the floor, biting her lip. I said nothing, waiting for her to say something, but as the moments passed I knew that she was going to make me say it. I could tell she wasn't completely sure why I was there and she had no intention of guessing and being wrong.

"Bella," I said, my voice hard and cold. She looked up at me and I could already see the tears in her eyes. My tone gave her the answer she didn't want to hear.

"I came by to apologize for my actions last night. It was a mistake and it never should have happened. I took advantage of your kindness and my wife's absence in a moment of grief and weakness. I'm very sorry that you were caught up in that."

My words had a devastating effect on her and I saw her face crumble as she stumbled back, as if she'd suffered a physical blow. I curled my hands into fists to keep from reaching out to comfort her.

_I must be cruel to be kind._

"I hope you understand that I never meant to hurt you or take advantage of your friendship. I'm sorry if my actions last night have caused you any pain."

I watched her swallow, once, then twice. Her shoulders straightened and her head came up. The tears in her eyes dried and there was nothing but a dull emptiness in the brown depths now. My heart broke, knowing I caused that. My breathing picked up and it took all that I had not to tell her I was lying, and that I loved her.

Bella nodded and gave me a small smile. "I owe you an apology, too. I knew what I was getting into last night and that it was wrong. I am ashamed of my actions and I'm sorry that if what happened has caused you or your marriage any lasting pain. I wasn't...thinking…clearly. I was selfish and I'm sorry for it. I hope you can forgive me."

_Is she fucking serious? She's apologizing to _me_?_

"Bella, there's no need for you to be sorry. What happened was completely my fault and I'm the one who –"

She cut me off quickly. "It takes two to tango, Edward. If you were wrong, I was too. I'm sorry."

I shook my head, trying to wrap my head around what was happening. "Bella, I really need you to understand –"

Holding up a hand, she cut me off again. "Please, Edward, let's not do this, okay?"

Her voice was quiet, soft and I could hear the tears behind it. I took a step forward before stopping myself. I wasn't there to comfort her, as much as my body and heart screamed at me to do it. I stepped back before she could notice that I even made a move towards her.

Bella ran a hand over her hair, pulling some of it loose from her ponytail. Her eyes were still filled with tears, but the mask on her face was in place. There was no emotion there, just grim stoicism.

"Losing that child last night hit us both hard," she said quietly and my head dropped. I couldn't bear to relive that pain again, but Bella continued. "We reacted to that loss inappropriately. It was a mistake and it won't happen again. I promise to never speak of it again, or tell anyone. If you're worried about me telling your…wife…" She stumbled over the word before continuing. "I won't. I'll never say a word to anyone and there will be no stalking or bunny boiling on my end." She tried to be funny, but the joke fell flat.

"Bella, I never thought…" I blew out a breath, unable to continue. If I wasn't careful, this conversation could take the exact turn it shouldn't and I would be telling her how much I loved her. Better to lie. Better to make her hate me and throw me out of here than to prolong this for both of us.

"I'm glad that you know it was a mistake too. I love my wife, Bella, and my heart belongs to her. I'm sorry if I confused you and made you think there was more between us than there really was." My heart was breaking at the lie, but I knew it was better this way, even if I was killing us both in the process. This had to be a clean break; there could be no room for doubt or second-guessing.

Bella could no longer hold back her tears. She looked at me as they streamed down her cheeks, and I hated myself more than I thought possible.

She nodded at me and said, "I think it would be best if you left now. I think we've said all we needed to say." She moved toward the door and held it open for me.

I stood there for a second, knowing that the right thing to do would be to leave, but I couldn't make my feet move. "What about work?" I asked quietly.

Bella's head dropped. Still looking at the floor, she answered me. "We'll remain professional, but I think it'd be best if that's all that we were. Our friendship…" Her breath hitched and my hands curled once more. "It would better if we were just colleagues. This cannot affect our performance at work."

I swallowed once and nodded. I might not be able to have her love or her friendship any longer, but at the very least, I would have her in my life as my colleague.

We stood there silently for a few more minutes before I could finally find the energy and will to begin my walk toward her door. Her body stiffened as I got closer, but she stood strong, holding the door open for me.

"Goodbye, Bella," I said softly as I passed through the doorframe.

"Goodbye, Edward."

I had only gone a few steps when her voice stopped me. "Edward?"

I turned to face her. "Yes?"

"You didn't…mean it when…you said you…loved…me, did you?" Her voice broke at the end and my body begun shaking.

I took a deep breath and pulled from every once of strength I had inside of me. I knew it would be better this way.

"No."

She shut the door with a soft click and I could hear her sobs as I walked down the hallway.

I cried the whole way home, my heart shattered beyond belief.

* * *

Angela returned home from Forks six days later. I noticed the change in her attitude the minute I met her in the baggage area; her eyes were bright and her smile was wide. She looked thrilled to see me.

I was happy to see her too, but there was an ache in my heart that hadn't gone away since I said goodbye to Bella. I didn't know if it ever would.

The past six days without Bella had been nothing short of hell. Seeing her at work had been pure torture, but I couldn't help but be happy I was able to see her at all. We spoke only when it was work related; otherwise, we stayed completely out of each other's way. I still recognized her presence when she was anywhere near me, but I learned to ignore it, to not allow my eyes to drift up and look at her. It hurt to have the distance between us, but I took comfort in the fact that at least I was able to see her almost everyday. I couldn't touch her, I couldn't hold her and love her, but at least she was close by. It was all I could have and I would happily take it.

I'd thought it over and decided not to tell Angela what happened with Bella. I felt like a complete asshole for having something to confess in the first place, but I had broken enough hearts this week. There was no way I could saddle Angela with the devastation and pain of my confession, even though it was on the tip of my tongue the minute I saw her. I wanted to confess all and ask her what I should do, how to make this right for all three of us without hurting anyone in the process. Considering Angela was one of the three though, it was a moot point. Telling her may unburden me from the guilty secret I was carrying around, but it would only make this horrible situation worse. I was the one who had wronged her, and I was the one who would have to live with it. Bringing her into a mess that wasn't her fault would be heartless. Destroying Bella was already too much. I would not be responsible for breaking Angela as well.

I would carry my guilt alone.

Angela chattered the entire way home, filling me in on the latest Forks gossip. She spent time with both her mom and my family, bringing with her lots of love and hugs from my parents and Emmett. It has been almost a year since I'd seen them last and I missed them.

With Angela's return, I could now focus on our marriage and our soon-to-be family.

* * *

The next month passed slowly. Angela booked us an appointment with a fertility specialist and I didn't have it in me to argue against it. I had left Bella and promised myself that I would give my marriage all of my attention. My wife wanted to start a family and I owed her that at the very least. I would go to the specialist and do so to keep her happy.

My relationship with Bella didn't get any better, but it didn't get any worse either. We continued to work side by side when we needed to, but otherwise, we stayed completely away from one another. I noticed that she took a couple of days off here and there, and while my curiosity was piqued, I knew I had no right to ask if everything was okay. Bella wasn't the type to take time off unless she absolutely needed to and I found myself worrying that something was wrong.

I had to remind myself over and over that it wasn't my concern.

Life moved on. I ignored the weight sitting on my chest and the feeling of loss that I carried around with me. All I could do was keep moving, keep breathing.

Then, one day, everything exploded.

It started when I got to work. I was in the doctor's lounge putting my stuff into my locker, when Tyler walked in. He looked like someone had kicked his puppy and I couldn't help but laugh at the forlorn expression on his face.

"Dude, are you alright?" I asked, hanging up my bag and pulling on my white coat.

"Oh, fuck off. The least you could've done was give me some warning," he said, his voice full of annoyance.

"Warning for what?"

"That we were losing our best scrub nurse. I can't believe you didn't tell me Swan was leaving and we were going to be stuck with Victoria James from here on out."

I spun around, sure I had heard him wrong. "What?"

Tyler looked surprised. "You didn't know Swan was leaving?"

I shook my head, at a loss for words. I couldn't breathe. The weight on my chest became heavier.

Tyler laughed. "I figured you would've been the first one she told. Apparently you two aren't as close as I thought." He walked over to the mirror to check his hair and straighten his tie. It took all I had not to slam his arrogant face into the glass.

"When's her last day?"

Tyler turned, his eyebrows raised. "Um, it was yesterday, man. I heard she cleaned out her stuff late last night and left a note with some cookies thanking everyone for everything. Nurse Morrison told me that she's starting a new job on Monday."

It was Thursday now.

I nodded, unable to get any words out of my mouth. I had to reign in my emotions or Tyler was going to know right away that I was taking Bella's leaving much too hard for someone who was just a colleague. I finished putting on my coat and gave Tyler a quick grin.

"I'll see you later," I said as I left the lounge.

The day passed in a blur. I did what I needed to do, focusing when I had to, but otherwise my thoughts were consumed with Bella. I couldn't believe she'd left.

I had driven her away. I'd given her no choice but to leave a job she loved at a hospital she loved. I had fucked up more than just our friendship.

I had destroyed her life and shattered my heart in the process.

The afternoon only got worse.

Angela and I had our follow up appointment with the fertility specialist. He had run a series of tests on both of us and we were scheduled to go in and hear the results.

Two hours later, I was holding my wife as she sobbed in my arms. She was infertile. Angela and I would never be able to have biological children. There were too many things wrong with Ang's reproductive system; even normal fertility treatments would not work for us.

My wife was devastated. She blamed herself and told me to leave her, that she was only half a woman. It took almost a full week before she could talk to me at all without crying and another month before she was able to even begin to talk about what the doctor had told us.

I suggested counseling one night over dinner not long after. She agreed that it might be a good idea; her depression had lifted only slightly and she was still having an incredibly difficult time coming to terms with the fact that she would never have a biological child. I tried to help her the best I could, but nothing I said or did seemed to console her. I was living with my own guilt, convinced that this was God's punishment for my cheating on Ang and breaking Bella's heart.

I was the worst fucking asshole that ever walked the planet. I was worse than a monster.

Angela started counseling a few weeks after I suggested it. She seemed to improve with time. She came home one night mentioning that at some point soon we should start discussing other options – adoption or surrogacy, in particular. I held her as she cried and told her that we had plenty of time; we would move ahead with our plans for a family when it felt right.

* * *

The next three months passed in a blur of guilt and heartache.

I missed Bella more than I could say. It hurt to breathe without her. I found no joy in my life anymore and it was harder and harder to fake it around Angela.

She knew something was up. As my best friend, she was more in tune to me than anyone else. She questioned me once or twice about it, but I was able to explain it away. She was willing to believe me – I had never given her a reason not to trust what I told her. Ang was wrapped up in her own grief and coming to terms with her infertility, so my slightly off behavior didn't register like it normally would have. We clung together for support, but the gulf that had begun between us so many months ago just widened as time went on.

One day, after a particularly grueling night at work, I found myself walking in the direction of Bella's apartment rather than toward my own. It didn't register that I was going there until I was standing in front of her building. For a full ten minutes I stood there and debated the wisdom of going inside, willing myself to turn around and go home to my wife. I couldn't move, though. The next thing I knew, I was in the elevator.

I moved, unthinkingly, reaching her door and knocking. I held my breath as I heard the shuffling behind the door, and I could feel my body trembling with the knowledge that she was only on the other side and I would see her in just a few moments.

When the door finally opened though, it wasn't Bella.

Instead, I was face to face with a tall, Native American looking man. He was at least four inches taller than my six-foot, three-inch frame and had long black hair.

"Can I help you?" he asked, holding on to the door in one hand and the frame in the other.

"Um, I'm looking for Bella Swan? Is she around?"

The man didn't say anything for a minute; he just looked me up and down. His jaw tightened ever so slightly and his eyes narrowed a bit. "I don't know anyone by that name. Sorry."

He was lying.

"This used to be her apartment, are you sure that –"

He cut me off with a growl. "I told you I don't know who that is. Goodbye."

He shut the door in my face.

I took the elevator back to the lobby, stunned and wondering where she had gone. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and quickly looked up her number in my contact list. Hitting the correct buttons, I waited breathlessly for her to answer.

It rang once before someone picked it up.

"Yo!" The voice was gruff, deep and definitely not Bella's.

"Um, yes. Can I please speak to Bella?"

"There's no Bella here, dude," he answered in an annoyed tone.

"This is her number…she has to be –"

He cut me off. "Dude, I got this number three weeks ago. If it used to belong to this Bella, it doesn't anymore. Sorry." With that, he hung up on me.

"Fuck!" I yelled, my phone clenched in my hands.

_Where the hell did she go?_

She had quit her job. Someone new was living in her apartment. Someone else had her phone number.

It was almost like she had never existed…

* * *

I hadn't seen Bella in eight months.

In many ways, it got easier to be away from her. I still felt like I was missing a part of myself, but I learned to live with it. Every day I breathed a bit easier and no longer thought of her every second. I remained confident that I made the right decision for her, and for my marriage with Angela.

Things were better between Angela and me. Counseling helped her immensely and I even joined her for a few sessions. The gulf that seemed to be widening between us closed its gap a bit, and we've settled into a new reality together. Angela brought home the name of an adoption agency and lawyer last week and we agreed to start looking into it seriously over the next couple of weeks.

I knew life would never be the same for me, but I've learned to live with it. _It is what it is. I cannot change it._ I'd made a decision and I would abide by it.

The surgical wing was strangely quiet when I walked into work that morning. It wasn't very early at all, but the normal hustle and bustle that seemed to surround the floor was missing. I couldn't put my finger on what was exactly different, but something had changed.

I stood at the nurses' desk and looked over a chart for a patient I performed surgery on the day before. I was lost in the world of medication and post-op notes when I heard someone come up next to me.

"Good morning, Dr. Cullen."

I looked over to see Nurse Morrison standing to my right.

"Good morning, Shelia. How are you this morning?"

"I'm doing well, thank you. I was wondering if you'd like to contribute to our gift for Nurse Swan?"

She suddenly had my complete attention.

"A gift? Is there something that Nurse Swan is celebrating?" I was shocked that I could get the words out over the lump in my throat.

Shelia smiled, a huge dimpled grin. "Oh, I thought you knew! I'm sorry. Yes, Bella just gave birth to a baby girl, so we're collecting…"

Shelia was still talking, but I could no longer hear her over the roaring in my head.

_Bella just gave birth…Bella just gave birth to a baby girl…a baby girl…._

"Dr. Cullen?" Shelia looked at me curiously and I wondered what she just asked me.

"Um, sure, I'd love to contribute." I pulled out my wallet and grabbed all the money that was inside. "Here, I hope this is enough."

Shelia took the wad of money from my hand gingerly and I watched her as she stared at it. "Edward? There's almost three hundred dollars here."

I nodded absently. "That's fine."

"But most people are only giving twenty or twenty-five dollars…" Shelia trailed off and I just smiled politely.

"Bella was a friend." I knew I should have said something else, explained away my generosity, but I couldn't think. Shelia started to say something else, but I just turned and walked away from her. My head was pounding.

_A baby…_

I kept doing the math over and over and it all added up the same way.

I completed my rounds, still counting the days and the months. The answer I got never changed.

On my lunch, I began calling every hospital I could think of in the Chicago area, asking for Bella Swan. It took me almost an hour before I finally located her at West Suburban Hospital in Oak Park. She was just a little over twenty minutes away.

Towards the end of my shift, I called Angela at work and told her I would be late coming home. I told her something important had come up and I needed to take care of it. As usual, my lovely wife was kind and understanding. I supposed, in a way, I wasn't really lying to her.

The minute my shift is over, I was out the door. I jumped in my car and headed to West Suburban. Thanks to traffic, I arrived there a little over forty minutes later.

I stopped at the front desk and asked for Bella's room. The woman sitting there told me her room number and offered to call up to let her know I was coming. I refused her request and told her I was just going to stop by quickly to say hello as I knew visiting hours were almost over. If she was busy, I'd just come back later.

I made my way up to the maternity floor, with my heart pounding the entire way. It felt like I was moments away from a panic attack, but I willed myself to remain calm. Despite the numbers and dates I crunched in my head today, I would only know for sure when I saw Bella. Until then, I would assume nothing.

I walked through the doors of the maternity ward shaking like a leaf. I knew my life could change – again – in those next few moments. I slowed down, and took a deep breath. I would know either way, very soon.

I walked only a few more steps before the nursery window to my left captured my attention. There were a number of clear, plastic bassinettes facing the window, but my eyes were immediately drawn to one right up front, dead center.

The bassinette had the name "Baby Girl Swan" on the card. Inside, swaddled in hospital issued blankets was a tiny baby girl, with a peaches and cream complexion. She was fussy and squirmed, skewing the pink cap on her head. Her curls peeked out at me, matted to her head from where the cap had been.

The curls drew my attention.

They were penny colored.


	5. Chapter Five

Thanks as always to **PTB** and the betas that took this monster on, especially **Lulu M** and **mcc101180,** who were once Permanent Betas for this and I hope might be again. And to **Browns**, who lives far away from me now but is still my BFL and always will be.

* * *

**EPOV**

I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think.

She had bronze hair.

A memory from my childhood assaulted me, and Angela's childhood voice came to me unbidden. _ "I'm gonna call you Eddie Penny, 'cause your hair looks like a penny!" _

My heart told me that the child I was staring at belonged to me.

My brain, however, was still having a hard time accepting that fact, even with the evidence staring me in the face. Even remembering my night with Bella with perfect clarity, knowing we hadn't used protection, I still had a hard time believing that I had fathered a child.

Yet, there she was…a baby girl with my hair.

I wasn't sure how long I stood there staring at her before I heard a voice next to me.

"She's gorgeous."

I looked to my right to see a man who looked just a bit older than me, smiling brightly.

"Mine is just next to her. Little boy. We named him David." He pointed to a bassinette holding a baby wrapped in a hospital issued blanket, his head covered by a blue cap. I glanced at him only for an instant before swinging my eyes back to Bella's daughter.

_My daughter._

"No name for her yet?" When I didn't answer, the man continued, "That's alright, it'll come in time. He's our third and the only one we had the name picked out for from the beginning. His brother almost went home without one." The man chuckled.

I had nothing to say to him, my brain unable to handle small talk in that moment. I could feel his eyes on me questioning my silence. "Is she your first?"

Swallowing hard, I moved my head only slightly. It was enough for him to take my movement as affirmation.

"It's amazing and overwhelming each time a new one comes along, but the first…the first just knocks you on your ass." He shifted next to me and I hoped he was getting ready to move away and leave me alone. I couldn't take my eyes off the beautiful baby in front of me.

"She looks just like you. Good luck." With that, he walked away and left me staring at my…daughter.

I needed to confirm my suspicion for sure, to leave and go find Bella. Just thinking about taking my eyes off the child in front of me, though, was ripping me apart. I didn't want to leave for fear that the conversation I would have with her mother would keep me from seeing her ever again.

I blew out a breath, and shut my eyes. When I opened them, I made sure I was looking at the floor. I was able to walk away from the window, leaving part of my heart behind.

Finding Bella's room was not difficult, as it was only three doors down from the nursery. I took a deep breath as I stared at her name in unfamiliar handwriting outside the room doors.

I hesitated as I reached the door, questioning whether or not to knock. Walking away from the baby in the window had been difficult, but would it be in her best interests if I just kept going?

If I left it alone and walked away now, I might be saving her a lifetime of heartache and pain. She hadn't asked to be dragged into this mess of a relationship between her mother and I; a relationship for all intents and purposes that had been over for the last nine months. Maybe if I left, I could save her from what was going to happen if I confronted Bella and confessed my sins to Angela. My daughter deserved more than to be brought into the destruction I had created.

The man I had prided myself on being would have never fallen in love with one woman while married to another, and he certainly wouldn't have slept with her. He never would have lied to his wife or to the woman he had fallen in love with.

If I had been the man I once thought I was, I wouldn't have been standing where I was trying to gather the courage to open up a can of worms that was going to destroy everything I knew about my life. My affair with Bella never would have happened. I wouldn't be standing there with questions in my mind, because there would be no child. The man I thought I was never would have gotten himself in this predicament.

However, even as I debated walking away, I knew that I would never do it. I had come to the hospital for a reason, and I needed to follow through on my suspicions. Even knowing that I would lose Angela, and that there was no way Bella would ever love me again after the callous way I had treated her, I had to know if her daughter was also mine.

Even if my heart already knew the answer – I needed the confirmation.

If Bella confirmed what I believed, I would do everything in my power to become the best father in the world to our daughter.

Selfish? Absolutely.

However, after seeing that baby's face, there was no way I could leave without hearing the truth from Bella's lips.

Without thinking about it further, I knocked on the door lightly and waited to enter until I heard Bella say a soft, "Come in."

Taking a deep breath, I stepped inside.

She was propped up in her hospital bed, an unopened magazine on her lap. She looked exhausted, with dark purple shadows under her eyes. Her lips were dry and chapped, and her hair was pulled back into a ponytail.

She was beautiful.

"Ed…Edward?" Bella's voice was shaky and weak as she stared at me, wide-eyed.

"Bella," I breathed out, unable to control my reaction to her. I took a step forward, then stopped, realizing she hadn't invited me any further into the room. She stared at me in shock for a full minute before she spoke.

"Wh…how…why…why are you here?" she asked, looking, if I wasn't mistaken, a bit relieved.

"Sheila…Nurse Morrison told me. I…" Lifting my hands helplessly, I shrugged at her. I had no idea where to start – how to ask the question that had been at the forefront of my mind since I heard about Bella's delivery. "I had to come…"

She stared at me for a full minute without saying a word, and I was too scared to say anything myself. Despite seeing the baby through the nursery window and being almost 99% sure that she was mine, there was still a part of me that worried I was wrong.

_Yes, worried. I want her to be mine. _

Even with everything that we would have to face, even with all the hurt that was bound to be caused by it, I wanted that child in the nursery window to belong to me. I wanted her to have been created in the love and comfort I had found with her mother one night.

I couldn't stand it a minute longer.

"Bella, please…. Is she mine?"

A tear slipped down Bella's cheek, and her eyes slid closed as she whispered one word.

"Yes."

I gaped at her. Hearing it – even knowing deep down inside it was true – was still a shock. My knees weakened, and I moved slowly toward the chair next to her bed to sit down before I fell down. My chest felt tight, and I didn't know how I was even drawing breath into my lungs.

_How was this possible? _

I knew _how_ it was possible, but even so, my mind couldn't seem to wrap itself around the fact that ten minutes ago I had walked in here childless, and now – I had a daughter.

_I have a daughter. _

Bella and I were silent, both wrapped up in our own thoughts. I glanced up at her, unable to help myself as I reached out to wipe the tears from her cheeks with my thumbs. She turned her head and leaned into my hand, eyes still shut.

I was afraid to speak, not wanting to break the peaceful silence, but I had so many questions that needed answering that I felt I had no choice.

"Bella?"

Her eyes slipped open slowly and we gazed at each other, my palm still resting gently against her cheek.

"Yeah?" she whispered softly.

"Tell me about her."

Bella sighed, and a tired grin lit up her face. "She was born at 4:32 a.m. 7lbs, 8oz, 19 inches long. She came out with a head full of hair. She's got long fingers and the cutest toes I've ever seen."

I couldn't help my own smile as she spoke about our daughter. "She's okay? Healthy?"

Bella nodded. "Registered a nine on the Apgar scale right after birth and a ten not too long after that. She's…perfect."

"Thank God." My thumb wiped away another tear that fell from her eyes.

"And you? You're okay?" I asked.

Another nod. "I'm fine. Sore and exhausted, but okay."

We continued to gaze at one another, lost in the moment of our daughter's arrival in this world.

"Have you picked out a name yet?" I asked her softly, wondering what name could possibly be good enough for the perfection in the nursery.

Bella shook her head. "I haven't been able to decide on anything. I wanted to meet her first, but nothing I come up with seems good enough for her."

I had nothing to contribute; after all, how do you pick a name for someone you've only had a glimpse of and haven't even been introduced to yet? I was just about to ask Bella if I could meet her, maybe even hold her, when someone interrupted our moment.

"Bells? I talked to Charlie…oh, sorry. Didn't realize you had company."

I reluctantly dropped my hand from Bella's face and turned in the chair to glance over my shoulder at the intruder.

It was the man who had been at Bella's apartment a few months ago.

The surprised look on his face changed quickly to anger as he looked me over. "What the _fuck_ are you doing here?"

My eyes widened in shock and I stood up from the chair in defense of his tone. "Excuse me?"

"I asked what the fuck you were doing here. How did you find her? Have you been stalking her all these months, keeping tabs? Figures you'd show up now that the baby is here. You're a piece of work, Cullen." The man's voice was filled with anger and I wondered how he knew my name – and how much else he knew.

"I don't know who you are, but you should think about losing the attitude, pal." I stood defensively in front of Bella, wanting to shield her from the man's anger.

The man's face turned red and he took a step forward with his fists clenched. "Watch who you're calling pal, _buddy_. I think you better leave…unless you want to take this outside."

"Jake." Bella's voice was strong from the bed behind me and I turned to look at her. She was glaring at the man, a bright red stain across her cheeks.

"Bells, you're not seriously considering…" he sputtered and I had to bite back the smirk that threatened to erupt.

"Will you go ask one of the nurses for some pain medication for me? I'm due."

He opened his mouth to say something else, but she cut him off firmly. "_Jacob_."

Shooting me a deadly look, he turned on his heel and walked out of the room. I turned back to Bella, ready to pick up where we left off, but the look on her face stopped me. Instead of the teary, soft gaze I had gotten only minutes before, her face was hard and angry.

"Bella …." I trailed off, completely confused by the change in her demeanor.

"Edward, you need to leave." Her tone was frigid, biting.

I gaped at her, unable to believe that I had heard her correctly. "Bella, I…I think we need to talk."

She shook her head. "We have nothing to discuss. You said all you had to say nine months ago. You need to leave."

"Wait a minute." I shook my head. "You drop a bomb on me that we have a daughter and now you expect me to leave without even discussing what it means?"

She shrugged. "It means nothing. _ I_ have a daughter. You have confirmation that you donated some sperm. I expect nothing nor do I want anything from you."

"It doesn't work that way, Bella. I can't just pretend she doesn't exist." Now that I knew that she was mine, there was no way I was just going to forget about her.

"You pretended I didn't exist for the last eight months, so I don't see how this is any different. You need to leave, Edward, and go home to your wife."

I ran a hand through my hair, trying to calm down. Bella's moving from the sweet confirmation of our daughter's arrival to this coldness was disorienting. Did she really think I hadn't thought of her? That I hadn't been affected by walking away from her and the love I had for her?

_Of course she did, you moron. You made sure that when you broke her heart, there would be no questions, no possibility of anything working out between you. _

The moments we had shared before that…_dog_…walked in the room had obviously left my brain without oxygen, because otherwise, I would have known better. It didn't make it hurt any less, or make me any less eager to meet and fight for the right to see my child, but I knew I had to take a different tack.

Lowering my hand from my hair, I took a deep breath and tried to soften both my gaze and my voice. "Bella, I don't blame you for being angry – and I deserve it – but you just told me we have a daughter. I can't just walk away now."

She turned away from me to glance out the window. After a silent moment, she turned her head back toward me. "It was easy for you to walk away before. I expect you to honor my wishes and leave _my_ daughter and me alone. You made your feelings clear months ago, and to walk back in here and expect me to talk to you about _anything_ is not only arrogant, it's stupid."

I shook my head and took a step toward her bed. I knew there was a possibility she wouldn't believe me, but I had to tell her the truth. "Bella, it wasn't easy to leave…I did what I thought I had to do for everyone. I know I screwed up badly, but please don't keep my child from me."

Her eyes shut briefly, and before they did, I could have sworn I saw a glimmer of pain and tears. When her eyes opened however, there was nothing but anger and determination.

"Get out, Edward. Leave. Don't look back, and forget about us."

I shook my head. "No, I can't do that. I could barely do that when I had to leave you. I can't walk away again, not now."

"Youhave no right to do this!" Spit flew from her mouth as she struggled to sit up straight. Her face was bright red and her breathing was heavy.

"Enough." Jacob walked back into the room, his hands fisted at his side. "If you don't leave now, I'll be happy to remove you myself, but you will not stay here any longer."

For a few seconds, I debated telling him where to go and how to get there. But one more look at Bella's face told me just how upset she was, and I knew that it wouldn't help our situation if I stayed here and upset her further.

"I'll come back tomorrow." I didn't want to give her the option of telling me no if I asked, so I just didn't offer her the chance.

"Don't bother. We have nothing to say to one another. Go home, Edward. Go home and forget me – again." Bella's voice was soft, weary. It was easy to see that our argument had exhausted her. Despite my anger and confusion, I hated that things were like this between us.

Without another word, I turned and left.

It wasn't until I was outside the hospital doors that it really started to hit me. What had I truly expected? That Bella and I would bond over the birth of our child and she would forgive me for the way I had treated her? That the fact I chose Angela and our marriage over Bella and my love for her would endear me to her?

For a smart guy, I was pretty fucking stupid.

My head was spinning and I didn't know what to do first. Part of me wanted to run back inside and spend the rest of the night staring at the perfection that was my daughter. Another part of me wanted to try and get Bella to talk to me without anger and rancor.

I knew neither was a possibility – at least not that night. I trudged to my car with my head hanging low. There was a warmth in my heart from knowing that I had a child – a daughter – with the woman I loved, but it was hidden under miles of ice from knowing how badly I had hurt her mother. Everything she had said to me was nothing but the truth.

I had ignored her for eight months.

I had told her our night together was nothing but a mistake, and I went home to my wife.

I couldn't blame her for not contacting me. I couldn't blame her for not telling me about her pregnancy. If I had been her, I probably would have done exactly the same thing.

It didn't change the fact that I still wanted to be a part of my child's life. It was like the darkness and depressing clouds that had been covering my life for the last nine months had been lifted and I could clearly see each misstep I had made, each way I had screwed up. In making decisions for other people, in lying to the two women I loved with all my heart, I had not made things better.

I had made them worse.

Much, much worse.

I had made shitty decisions. By trying to hurt no one, I had hurt everyone involved, and my daughter was going to pay the price.

Knowing I had no choice, I started the car. I had broken Bella already, had broken her months ago when I walked away from the only woman my heart had ever burned for.

Now I had to go home and break the heart of the other woman I loved – my wife and my best friend, whom I loved, but who I hadn't been _in love_ with in years.

_What the hell was I going to do?_

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**E/N**: Thanks for reading.

Story Recs:

**Anytime** by **Browns**

**The Living Will **by **2carm2carm2**


	6. Chapter Six

**A/N: **I'll save the really long stuff for the bottom. However, I want to thank my lovely betas, **mcc101180 and LuluM. ****Mel**, you are my comma queen and I owe you more than I can say for trying to teach me when (and when not!) to use them. Happy Belated Birthday to you!

And of course to my lovely bb, **Browns**. She's not only my beta, she's one of my best friends and I can't thank her enough for that.

**Disclaimer:** Plot is mine, characters belong to SM.

All right...let's do it.

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**Let it Rain**

_It's hard to find the perfect time to say something_

_you know is gonna change everything_

_Living with the shame,_

_it ain't nothing like the pain that I saw on her face_

_Now me and my pile of things_

_that she threw out the window,_

_Drowning next to me_

_No seven years of good cant hide the one night I forgot to wear that ring_

_So let it rain, let it pour, she don't love me anymore_

_Just let it come down on me, let it come down on me_

_Every word, let it hurt, even more than I deserve,_

_Let it come down on me, let it come down on me, let it rain_

- Let it Rain by David Nail

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**EPOV**

I didn't remember the drive home from the hospital. My head was spinning with so many thoughts, so many emotions, that I was on autopilot as I navigated my way through the streets. My mind kept turning over where I had messed up, where I had let every thing go so wrong.

Angela and I were friends first and foremost, and while there was absolutely nothing wrong with pledging to spend the rest of your life with your best friend, that love – for us – just wasn't strong enough to take us through the tough times. We had grown apart little by little as our educations and then our jobs kept us busy and separated from one another. Even living in the same house, we were sometimes virtual strangers. We had prided ourselves on being so strong, by getting through it unscathed. Little did we know that despite our best efforts, that time apart had created unseen – ignored? – cracks in our foundation. Our infertility had put an added strain on our marriage – a strain we hadn't anticipated. It was an added stress that only further widened the gaps between us.

The final fracture in our relationship came from my inability to be honest with her. If I had just told her when I began to realize that what I felt for her and what I felt for Bella were two different things, I may have saved us all a lot of heartache.

Instead, I fought my feelings and made the decision in a moment of weakness – not that it excused me – to make love to Bella, consequences be damned. It was yet another time when I could have come clean to Angela. Things would have been messy, but it would have been the right thing to do.

I thumped my head back against the headrest as I stopped at a red light. It was so clear to me now just how badly I fucked things up, how many different paths I could have taken to have things turn out differently. It would have hurt Angela to have me come home and admit I had fallen in love with Bella, but now to have to tell her that not only did I fall in love with another woman, but I made love to her and created a child with her? Talk about throwing salt in an open wound.

My heart hurt and I was nauseated by the fact that I knew this was going to devastate my wife. I deserved nothing less than the pain and heartache I was going to go through as the truth came out, but Angela didn't. I knew she was going to be blindsided. Our marriage had been rocky for over a year now, but I knew she wouldn't ever expect me to come home and lay this at her feet.

I wasn't the guy that did things like this.

Except, I had.

I could try and defend my actions, but there was no point. I had screwed up beyond belief. That I hurt two wonderful women in the process was unforgivable. I knew some would place the blame on Bella's shoulders, but while it took two to tango, I was the one who was married. I was the one who was promised to another, and my actions did nothing but show Bella that I was not invested in my marriage. We had both wronged Angela, but I was willing to take the brunt of the blame as I had the most responsibility for how it all played out. If I had only been honest with Ang from the start, things wouldn't have gotten this far.

The lights of my car cut across the cement walls as I pulled into the parking garage. I turned off the engine but didn't move from my seat, my mind filled with images of Angela upstairs in our apartment, going through her nightly routine. I swallowed down the bile in my throat and tightened my fingers around the steering wheel. Dread filled me for what I was about to do, but I had no choice. Everyone in my life deserved the truth – finally. Even if Bella wouldn't allow me to be a part of our daughter's life, I owed it to my child to at least try to be a person who took responsibility for his actions.

Knowing I had stalled as long as I could, I pulled myself out of the car and made my way to the elevator. Minutes later, I was walking through our apartment door.

"Hey! Dinner's ready, I just have to pull it out of the oven," I heard Angela call from the kitchen. "I can't wait to tell you about my day. I met someone from one of adoption agencies in town through a client of mine. I found out some really helpful information I think…"

She continued talking as I shut the front door and laid my keys in the tiny bowl on the table to the left. Her voice was full of joy, hopefulness for the family she wanted so badly. I closed my eyes, disgusted with myself. My wife was one of the kindest persons I knew, and she would make a wonderful mother. Her spirit was made for nurturing, but her backbone was strong. Any child of Angela's would be lucky because they'd have a fierce protector, a gentle soul and a strong supporter in their corner.

Angela's voice trailed off as she strode into the living room, stopping when she saw me standing just inside the entrance to our apartment.

"Edward?" she asked softly. I had no idea what my face looked like, but it couldn't be good from the way Ang went pale and hurried to my side. "What's wrong? What happened?"

I opened my mouth, but it was too dry and I couldn't make any words come out. Angela took my hand and led me over to the couch, pushing me gently onto the cushions. Running a hand over my shoulder, she whispered, "I'll be right back." She returned seconds later, placing a glass of water on the coffee table in front of me. She took a deep breath as she settled in beside me.

"Edward, what happened?" Her voice was soft, but caring. My eyes closed, knowing that I was about to cause this woman all sorts of pain, but having no idea how to protect her from it. The irony wasn't lost on me. I had tried to protect her, and now I was only going to hurt her more.

"I…I have something to tell you." I opened my eyes to look at her because it was at the very least what I owed her. I couldn't hide from her gaze as I broke her. She was worth more to me than that, not that my actions would leave one to believe so.

She stared at me. "You're worrying me." Her hands went to her lap, and she rubbed her palms against her jeans, a telling sign of her nerves. "It can't be that bad, right? I just talked to my mom, so I know everyone's okay there. It's not your mom or dad, is it?" Her eyes went wide. "Not Emmett or Rose, they're okay, right?"

"Ev…everyone's fine." I wanted so badly to reassure her, to tell her everything was okay and she shouldn't worry, but it wasn't true.

"I have something to tell you, and I just…I don't want to hurt you, and I know it will." My gaze met hers once more, and I could see the confusion swirling in her deep brown eyes.

Shaking her head slightly, she said quietly, "Edward, you know you can tell me anything. We'll work through it. No matter what – it's you and me, remember?"

I felt my chest constrict as she reminded me of what we used to say to each other through the distance of college and the long years of law school and medical school. No matter how hard things had gotten between us, we'd always said, "it's you and me" as a reminder that we weren't giving up on each other – us against the world and all that. My eyes stung as I realized just how long ago that was and how easily I destroyed it.

Shaking my head, I tried to get the words out over the lump in my throat. "Ang." I swallowed. "I slept with Bella."

Angela didn't move. She didn't blink. She didn't cry out. She didn't slap me. She stared at me, perfectly still. Our gazes were locked, and the room was eerily quiet.

The silence continued for long seconds before she found her voice. It was shaking when she asked, "When?"

Unable to look in her eyes any longer, I dropped my gaze on the floor, and I blew out a breath. "Ni...nine months ago."

There was still no movement from her for endless seconds. I glanced up at her to see a disbelieving look on her face. She began to shake her head as she spoke. "Wha…I don't under…what are you saying…?" She broke off and the look in her eyes was begging me to tell her it wasn't true.

"Th…there's more." The urge to throw up was still there, having to tell her what came next. "B…Bella gave birth to a baby girl late last night."

There was one more single moment of absolute stillness, then Angela was up and off the couch like a rocket. She strode across the living room floor at such a pace I was sure she was going to go right through the sliding glass doors that led out to the balcony. I stood, not to follow her, but I was unable to sit still any longer. Angela paused by the doors, her back heaving with her breathing or sobs, I couldn't tell. A strong part of me wanted to go comfort her because it was what I had always done for the last twenty years of our relationship, but I knew better. This was the first time I had been the cause of her hurt and pain. I knew my comforting would be less than appropriate or welcome.

"You were having an affair?" she finally choked out, still not turning to look at me. Her arms were wrapped around her waist, and she was bent over slightly, as if bracing herself against an attack. Her form blurred, and I knew it was due to my tears that were finally making themselves known. They had been in the back of my throat most of the day, and I couldn't hold them back any longer.

"No." I stopped, unsure how to go on. I didn't know how to go on. My body trembled with the force of my guilt and pain. One tear spilled over, then another. I opened my mouth countless times to continue, but nothing would come out. The seconds between my reply stretched out longer and longer in the empty vacuum of the room.

She turned to face me, still waiting for my answer. Shaking my head, I tried to pull myself together, but I was overwhelmed by what was going on inside of me. I could barely make her form out anymore, my vision completely obscured by tears.

"H…how…how did this happen?" Her voice was weak, almost as if she was having trouble finding the air to speak.

I dropped my head and looked at my shoes. "I don't know…"

There was more silence, and I finally glanced up at her. Her whole body was shaking, and she had an incredulous look on her face. When she spoke, her voice was trembling just a bit, but the volume of it was staggering.

"You don't know? YOU DON'T KNOW? You have a child, Edward, and I am not her mother! Explain to me how this happened!" Her fists hit her upper thighs, pounding them in an uneven rhythm. There were tears pouring down her cheeks, her face pale other than two bright pink spots that stood out on her cheeks.

I could only stand in front of her, unable to speak. I had no justification for what I had done, but I knew she deserved an explanation.

My silence only angered her further, and she raised her voice even more, throwing her hands out in front of her, begging for answers. "Tell me! Did you sleep with her and impregnate her because I couldn't give you children? Is this because I'm not a whole woman? You decided to go and knock up someone else to get a child? What? What was it, Edward? I don't understand. Explain to me how this fucking happened because I don't understand!" Angela's face turned to a dark red as she roared at me from across the room. Her desperate rage coaxed me into speaking.

"I…I don't…I had feelings…and I didn't know…and the little girl died…and you were gone…and I couldn't fight it…I was weak, and stupid…and Jesus, I fucked this up!" I bellowed.

Angela stared at me, her brown eyes wide and streaming with unrelenting tears. The silence between us seemed to only grow louder in the aftermath of our yelling. All that could be heard was our shaky breathing and the ticking of the clock on the wall.

She covered her face with her hands as her head shook back and forth slowly, as if she was trying to remove the last ten minutes from her mind. Her breath was coming in deep tumbling sobs, and I could tell even through my own tears that she was trying to pull herself together. In a shaky voice, she whispered, "I need..." She held up a hand toward me, before turning and walking from the room and into the kitchen.

I threw myself onto the couch, pulling at my hair. I sat there for minutes, my gaze wandering from the floor to the coffee table, to the glass doors and then over to the kitchen doorway. I had no idea what to do, what I would say to her when – if – she finally walked back in here. I stood again, thinking that maybe I should go to her, but as soon as the thought crossed my mind, I sat back down. I didn't know what to do.

Finally, Angela walked back into the living room. Her face was stained a blotchy red, her eyes puffy. Her posture, however, was stiff, and she stood tall as she glided over toward me. She sat on the edge of the chair across from me. Her ravaged face and her hands twisting together in her lap were the only signs that she was not in complete control of her emotions.

She opened her mouth, but no sound came out. She shook her head and put her hand to her mouth, as if she was holding back vomit.

I swallowed hard and forced myself to say something. "I'm sorry. I don't…I'm sorry," I whispered. I knew it wasn't enough and would never be enough, but it was all I had to offer in the moment.

"Were you sleeping with her this whole time?" Pain, pure unadulterated pain was all I could hear.

"No. No, it only happened once." I glanced up at her, but she wasn't looking at me. She had her head turned toward the sliding glass doors, staring out at the dark night.

"Did you know she was pregnant?"

I shook my head. "No, not until today. Someone at work told me, very innocently. I had no idea until I went to see her."

"_She_ was the thing that came up at work?" Angela spat. The pain radiating behind her words had lessened, and anger had taken its place.

"Yes. I wanted to confirm my suspicions before…" I trailed off, not needing to say it out loud.

Angela had no such hesitation. "Before you came home and told your wife that you fucked someone else and had a baby with her." Once again she was up, striding toward the glass doors.

There was no answer I could give her, so I stayed quiet. The silence continued for what felt like hours. When Angela spoke again, I flinched from the unexpectedness of it.

"I can't…I can't even look at you right now." Angela cleared her throat before continuing. "I think it would be best if you weren't here tonight. I'll wait here while you go back a bag, but you are not welcome in this apartment right now."

"Ang…" I didn't even know why I said her name in such a pleading tone. It wasn't like I thought she was wrong for kicking me out, or that I was going to beg her to let me stay. It killed me to be here with her and know I was hurting her so badly, but I didn't want to just leave like this either.

"Edward, you need to leave. This isn't negotiable." I couldn't see her face clearly, but I could hear the tears.

"I just…"

"Go!" she roared, her whole body trembling from the force of her anger…and tears.

I nodded before leaving the room silently. I walked up the hallway to our bedroom and quickly packed a bag with enough clothes for a few days. I didn't know when Angela would let me back in to get my things, but as I packed, I knew without a doubt I would never be welcome to live in this apartment with her again.

Finishing up, I zippered the duffle bag shut and threw it over my shoulder. I took one last look around, my heart breaking as it landed on the pictures on Angela's dresser. There were a few of our family, but most were of the two of us throughout the years.

We looked happy.

Content.

Comfortable.

I knew we would never be that again. No matter what happened after this moment, we couldn't go back to that easy way we once had with one another.

My shoes were silent on the carpet as I walked back down the hallway. I took a minute to think about what I could say to her as I left, but nothing appropriate came to mind. There were no words for a situation like this, nothing I could say to ease the pain or hurt.

Making my way into the living room, I saw Angela still standing by the window. Not wanting to leave without saying something, I spoke. "Angela, I know it's worth absolutely nothing to you right now, but I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for everything. When you're ready, or want to talk, or…whatever…Jesus, Ang, I'm so sorry." My voice cracked on the last words, my tears starting up once more.

Her head bobbed once, but she said nothing. Knowing I didn't deserve even that much of an acknowledgement, I turned and left.

As I closed the door and began down the hallway, I heard a loud wail followed by a booming crash. I paused, deliberating if I should turn around. The heartbreaking sobs that followed almost made me re-enter the apartment, but I stopped to think this time. My presence would only hurt her even more.

Adding more hurt to the pain I had already caused her was the last thing I wanted for Angela.

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**Long Ass E/N**: Not gonna lie, a little nervous about this one. I know people have strong feelings on this subject - trust me, I understand. I hope I can redeem Mr. Cullen, but I don't know - can he be forgiven by anyone at this point?

_**Thank you**_ to everyone for reading and for all of you that reviewed last chapter. You're so awesome and I loved hearing from you - and how excited you where that THT was back. I had someone black out and another who wanted to kiss me in a field. Thanks for that! :)

Thank you so much to **Edmazing**, who rec'd this over at **The Lemonade Stand**. It was a very welcome and happy surprise. Thanks any of you who voted for THT. I truly appreciate it.

Twitter: **Scorp_112** (don't forget the underscore)

Until next time...


	7. Chapter Seven

**A/N: **Thank you to **LuluM**, **mcc101180**, and **Browns** for their mad beta skillz. I did some must needed changes after their feedback, so any mistakes you find are mine.

**Disclaimer****:** Characters belong to SM. I just make stuff up for them to do.

* * *

**EPOV**

It was late when I checked in at the hotel. I had driven around the city for hours, wandering aimlessly as I tried to figure out what to do, where to go. I couldn't get the sound of Angela's sobbing out of my mind. Nor could I stop thinking about Bella and our daughter. I was torn in two once again.

I ended up in a hotel near the hospital where Bella had given birth. I wanted to make sure I got there early to talk to her and to see the baby. There was nothing I could do about Angela at the moment – things were clearly in her court. Unable to do anything more, I focused my attention on what I would say to Bella come morning.

The Chicago skyline gleamed in the darkness of my hotel room since I hadn't closed the blinds and didn't turn on the lights. I paced, rolling over in my mind what I could say to make things right. I picked up my cell phone numerous times to call Bella, only to remember I no longer had her number. Around 1 a.m., I finally called it a night and crawled into bed.

Sleep did not come.

For hours I tossed and turned. Restless, I rolled to look at the alarm clock. The glowing red numbers told me it was well after 4 a.m., but I couldn't stop thinking.

Over the last year, I had convinced myself that I had the best of intentions by doing what I did – walking away from Bella, not telling Angela – but it was all too clear that the only person I had really been trying to protect was me.

I had always considered myself an imperfect man trying to live a perfect life. I tried to live by the Golden Rule: do unto others as you would have them do unto you. My father was a man of strong Christian faith, and he had passed down his beliefs to my brother and me. While we hadn't adopted his faith with the rigor he believed, I had done the best I could to live by his example my entire life. Up until the last year, I had been proud that, for the most part, I had been able to do so.

Until I met Bella.

I was in no way blaming Bella for my mistakes. She hadn't pursued me, nor had she gone out of her way to be anything but be a good friend to me. In her goodness, however, I had found a type of love I hadn't known existed.

It occurred to me that had I never met Bella, I probably would have continued happily – or at the very least comfortably – in my marriage. I should've realized that just because you try to ignore the little things, it doesn't mean they go away. Would Angela and I have eventually separated anyway when those cracks became too big to avoid?

I didn't know.

At dawn, I showered and went for a walk. It was chilly, but the sky was clear of clouds. I wandered the streets near the hotel, not really seeing anything around me. I was too wrapped up in my head, thinking of all the ways I could have - _should have_ - done things differently.

By 8 a.m., I was back in my hotel room, showered and shaved. I knew from my rotation in maternity that the odds of Bella staying in the hospital past today would be slim. The earlier I got there, the better chance I'd have of seeing her and talking to her about our daughter.

The drive to the hospital took less than ten minutes, even with traffic. I made my way to the maternity wing, stopping first at the gift shop to buy a little pink elephant for the baby. When I arrived on the floor, I looked in the nursery first but didn't see the sweet baby girl with my curls. I assumed that she'd be in with Bella, but I received another surprise when I got to Bella's room.

She was gone. The balloons or flowers that had covered the room yesterday were no where in sight. It was clean and prepped for the next patient. Some strings had to have been pulled for them to get out early in the morning, and the fact that Bella went to such lengths made it clear she had no intention of being found.

I turned quickly toward the nurses' desk, stopping the first person in scrubs I saw walking in my direction.

"Hi, can you please tell me where Ms. Swan is?" I tried to keep the desperation out of my voice, but by the look on the nurse's face, I knew I hadn't succeeded.

"Who are you?" She tossed one hand on the hip of her cherry red shirt and glowered at me.

"I'm…um, Edward Cullen. I'm….uh, I'm…shit." I ran a hand through my hair, huffing.

"Sir, I'm afraid there's nothing I can tell you." With that, she continued walking past me and moved to the giant desk area to my left.

"Please, I need to know…it's important. I'm her daughter's father. I need to know where they went." Not knowing what else to do, I told the nurse the truth. I knew anything other than that would probably get me nowhere.

She raised an eyebrow at me. "Sir, please leave before I call security to remove you."

I looked at her incredulously. "Miss…I just…I just want to know where my daughter is, that's all. Her mother was in this room, and I spoke to her last night."

The nurse's expression didn't change. "Sir, I'm afraid I can't help you. Please leave."

I knew she couldn't tell me anything, not legally, but it didn't stop me from wanting to lash out at her. Knowing it would do more harm than good, I turned and walked away.

Leaving my car parked in the hospital parking lot, I went to the Starbucks next to the hospital with my laptop, trying to find Bella. Her address and phone number were unlisted. She was listed on the directory of the hospital I knew she had moved to, but I was stonewalled after I called and asked for her. They wouldn't give me any information, not even a confirmation that she was employed there. Frustrated and worried, I slammed my laptop shut and left not too long after I arrived.

Holding my curses in until I got inside my car, I hit the steering wheel with a loud, "Fuck!" I hadn't expected Bella to take off like she had. I was at my wit's end trying to figure out where she went and if she and the baby were okay.

I barely got the next "fuck" out of my mouth when my phone started ringing. I looked at the display and groaned when I saw "Mom and Dad" written across the screen.

"Shit," I whispered but picked up anyway.

I pressed the Bluetooth button and spoke. "Hello."

"Hi, honey! How are you?"

I tried to keep my sigh quiet. "Hi, Mom." Looking at the clock, I realized it was just past 7 a.m. in Forks. "You're up early."

She gave a little chuckle. "Oh, your dad got called into work this morning and I couldn't get back to sleep after he left. I figured since I was up I would try to catch you before work. I called the apartment, but no one answered, so I thought maybe you'd still have your phone on you. I've missed you."

My heart cracked a little more. What I wouldn't give to get a hug from my mom right about now. "I've missed you, too."

I could hear the smile in her voice as she spoke. "Well, I was thinking we should do something about that. Your dad has this weekend off, so I was thinking that maybe he and I could fly out and see you and Angela. What do you think about that?"

I bit back my groan. "Uh, Mom, I don't think –"

"Now, honey, I know it's short notice, but I'm just dying to see you." Her voice got quiet. "Edward, it's been almost a year."

My forehead hit the steering wheel and my eyes began to burn. "I know; it's been too long. But now…Mom, now's not really the time."

There were a few beats of silence, then her soft voice asked, "Sweetheart, is everything okay?"

I picked my head up and stared out the driver's side window, trying to figure out the best way to answer her question. "Um… things are a little rough right now, Mom." My voice caught on her name and I shut my eyes. "I think…it's just not a good time," I said quietly.

"Oh, Edward." My mom's voice was comforting and it made the burning in my eyes worse. "Is it work, or is it…" She trailed off, but I knew what she was afraid to ask.

My mother had supported Angela's and my decision to get married so young, but she worried about the stress we would be under. Marriage wasn't easy and took a lot of hard work under the best of circumstances. She had been concerned that our age, on top of school and work, would make it much more difficult. While she had never come out and said anything directly over the years, she always seemed overly concerned about how Angela and I were doing as a couple.

Running a hand through my hair, I sighed. "Angela and I are…things are a mess at the moment, actually."

"Edward, what happened? The last time I spoke to you, you said everything was fine. You never mentioned any issues…" I could hear the worry in her voice, and it made me feel about two feet tall.

I scrubbed my hands over my face. "Things have been rough for a while now and um, well, they've gotten worse lately." I debated just blurting out the whole story, but it wasn't really something I felt I could tell her over the phone. With things so up in the air with both Angela and Bella, I wouldn't have any assurances to give her that I was trying to fix things either. What I wouldn't give to be ten years old again and admit to breaking her Tiffany lamp in the living room. The fear I had felt then was nothing compared to what I felt like now.

"What do you mean 'worse?' What's going on? Sweetheart, please talk to me and tell me," she pleaded with me. It was just her nature; she wanted to help and make things right, no matter what.

"Oh, Mom." My head fell against the headrest and I fisted my hands to my eyes. "I screwed up. Badly."

"Honey, what happened?" she asked quietly. "I'm sure whatever is going on isn't anything that can't be fixed…"

My hands came down to grip the steering wheel and I swallowed hard. "I…slept with someone else and yesterday…yesterday, she gave birth to my daughter."

The silence from the other end of the line was deafening. I thought I heard my mother gasp, but other than that, there was nothing but quiet.

After minutes of wordlessness, I finally heard my mother breathe out, "Edward."

There was so much disappointment in that one word I was absolutely convinced that what was left of my heart just shattered.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

Neither of us spoke for a few moments. Eventually, she said, "I'm sure you are." There was no malice or sarcasm in her tone, just quiet resignation. "I just…I'm having a really hard time wrapping my head around this, Edward. I just…I don't understand."

I propped my elbow on the door ledge and tried to figure out a way to explain things to my mother. "I…I fell in love with someone. We worked together and we were friends. I noticed my feelings for her changing, how different it felt than my love for Angela. I tried to stay away, I tried to let it go…We lost a patient one night, and things…went too far. I broke it off immediately. I tried to go home…to forget…to move on." Once again, I choked on my words. Remembering walking away from Bella, how I had lied to Angela… I pressed a hand over my stomach, trying to curb the sick feeling I had.

"You fell in love...with someone else," she said quietly. "Edward, I just…I mean, I know you and Angela were young when you got married, but…"

I sighed and ran my hand through my hair. "It has nothing to do with how young we were…or maybe it does, I don't know. I just know that I never felt for Angela what I feel for Bella."

"That doesn't excuse your behavior, Edward," my mother snapped. "It doesn't matter who you love, or how you love them. You are in a committed relationship and you don't cheat on that person! I raised you better than that!"

The burning in my eyes began again and I swallowed hard. "It's not an excuse, I know. And I'm not trying to give you one. I was wrong. I know how wrong I was. I screwed up…" My words were barely audible and I took a deep breath, trying to gain back some of my composure. "I never meant for any of this to happen."

My mother sighed. "I'm sure you didn't…but, Edward…I can only imagine the hurt that's been caused by this." She was quiet for a few seconds. "And you said this woman…she had a baby?"

I felt my lips turn up just the slightest bit. "Yes, a little girl. I have a daughter."

"Oh…" she breathed out. "A little girl." There was a beat of hesitation before my mother spoke once more. "Angela must have taken that very hard."

The family knew of our fertility issues, and had been as supportive as they could from so far away. My mother knew that Angela had taken the fact that she would never had a biological child badly, and spent many nights Facebook chatting with her about our possible alternatives.

I shifted in my seat, gazing out on the parking lot before me. I began to answer my mother, but she started talking again before I could. "Edward, I just…I can't talk about this with you right now. I'm…I'm really just shocked that you would cheat on Angela and have a child with someone else –"

There was a loud crash in the background and then a booming voice yelling, "Edward cheated on Angela? What the hell, Ma?"

_Emmett._

My head hit the steering wheel once more and I groaned. "Mom –"

She cut me off. "I need to go, Edward. I'll speak with you later." And with that, she hung up the phone.

I lifted my head and pounded my palms into my forehead. I knew it wouldn't be long before the news traveled through to the rest of the family.

This was going to get a hell of a lot worse before it got better.

It took me a little while to pull myself together enough to drive. I glanced around and noticed the parking lot had gotten fuller and there were people coming and going at a steady pace through the front doors. I didn't know if I had attracted attention or not, but figured if I had, someone would have come along and asked me to leave. If anyone had noticed me, they may have just assumed I had gotten bad news. At any rate, it didn't matter. I put the car in drive and left.

The hotel room was cold and uninviting when I returned. Plopping down on the bed, I thought about what to do next. My heart ached after the conversation with my mom. My head wouldn't stop worrying about where Bella and the baby were. I also worried about Angela. I debated calling her, wanting to make sure she was okay, but I knew that my call would be unwelcome. I had left things up to her, telling her to call me when she was ready, and I wasn't about to press her. There was a lot left up in the air between us, but in the end, I knew where we were headed. Our marriage wasn't going to survive this.

My guilt grew as I realized I was a bit relieved by that fact.

Needing to focus on something else, I grabbed my laptop and powered it up once more. I continued my search for Bella, but hours later, I was no further ahead than I was when I left Starbuck. It was obvious that by my own fruitless search – I needed help. Pulling up Google once more, I typed in "Chicago private detectives." The first two links were a bust, but the third looked promising: J. Jenks, Private Detective. I called the number listed on his website and left a brief message asking him to return my call. With a sigh, I hit end on the phone and hung my head.

I had so many emotions and thoughts running through my mind, I just wanted to escape them for a while. I was tired, deep down into my bones tired. I had fucked things up so royally in my life that I didn't know where to start to get things back to some sort of equilibrium. I slipped down and sunk on the chair that sat by the window that looked over the busy street below.

It wasn't long before I was reaching for the bottles in the mini-bar.

By the time the sun set, I was passed out cold.

~THT~

When I woke up on the bathroom floor around 1 a.m., I had no recollection on how I got there.

The room stunk, which wasn't surprising considering the amount of puke sitting in the toilet. Groaning, I rolled over away from the mess. My body ached, and my head pounded.

Who knew those little tiny bottles of liquor could get you so shit-faced?

I flushed the toilet and stripped before getting into the shower. I purposely left the water ice cold.

I was in bed and unconscious ten minutes after another bottle of Jack Daniels coated my stomach.

~THT~

The sound of the telephone woke me out of my second drunken stupor.

AC/DC's "Back in Black" sounded incessantly before finally going silent. The reprieve didn't last long as it started right back up again.

It was Emmett's ring tone. Again.

He was two years older than me, but we had been close our entire lives. Besides Angela and Jasper, I considered Emmett one of my best friends. He had taken his role as big brother seriously, but it hadn't stopped him from being my friend. He was the one who had me smoke my first – and last – cigarette and bought me my first beer. We kept in touch over the years through phone calls and emails, but I hadn't seen him in person in over a year. I missed him.

I avoided his calls yesterday, knowing if I answered the phone I was going to hear things that would make my ear blister. And after discovering Bella's disappearance and the phone conversation with my mother – I just wasn't ready to deal with Emmett's wrath at the time.

I seriously debated just turning my phone off, but I knew that he wouldn't stop calling. He might actually get on a plane and come find me if I ignored him too long. My brother was nothing if not persistent. He asked Rosalie out over two-hundred times before she finally relented. He proposed five times before she finally said yes. He didn't know the meaning of the phrase, "Give up."

I rolled over and grabbed my cell off the nightstand. "Hi."

"Hi? That's all you have to say to me – fucking hi? What the hell, Edward?"

I bit back a groan. Where should I start? I had no idea what my mother had told him.

"Em…It's…." I rolled over in bed and squinted my eyes to look at the clock. It was about 9:30 a.m. Seven hours of sleep should have been more than enough, but my indulging the night before made me feel like I had only been asleep for minutes. My mouth and throat felt like I had swallowed a sock. A dirty sock. "I'm not really in the mood to get into this right now, okay?"

"Tough shit. Explain to me why the hell I shouldn't get on a plane and come out and kick your ass," he growled.

I gingerly sat up and groaned as it felt like little tiny explosions were happening in my head. "It's…complicated."

"I've got the day off, Ed, so I've got plenty of time to listen and try to keep up. Why don't you start talking?"

I sighed and rubbed a hand over my face. "Can you give me two minutes? I need to use the bathroom."

He huffed, but relented. I put the phone on mute and shuffled to the bathroom. After I took care of necessities, brushed my teeth and splashed my face with cold water, I felt a little more human. When I picked up the phone, I could hear Emmett murmuring what sounded suspiciously like curse words from the other end.

"I'm here. Sorry," I said as I sat down carefully in the chair by the window. "What did mom tell you?"

"Nothing. That's why I'm calling you. I was a little surprised to walk in the house yesterday and hear her say something like that. Ed, what the hell is going on?" He still sounded mad, but there was something else in his voice – a little bit of worry, and a little bit of sadness.

I took a deep breath and started talking. I told him everything I had felt and done over the last year.

When I finally stopped pouring my heart out to him, he asked, "Jesus, Edward. What the fuck?"

I stayed silent. What the fuck, indeed.

Emmett huffed. "Just say it, Em," I said.

"If you were standing in front of me, I'd probably punch your face in a couple of times."

I had no doubt he would. He considered Angela a sister, and even without him saying it, I knew the fact that I had cheated on her did not go over well. I should probably consider myself lucky that he didn't jump on the first flight to Chicago to kick my ass.

"Edward, I don't know what tell you what to do. You're going to have to figure that out on your own. What I can tell you is that you need to stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about what's right for Angela, Bella and your daughter. You also need to allow Angela and Bella to decide for themselves what they want to do. And if neither one of them want anything to do with you…well, that's just going to be something that you'll have to deal with."

I closed my eyes against the hurt that came with his words. I knew I didn't deserve either of them and didn't expect them to really have anything to do with me at this point. The loss of my daughter, however, cut me to the bone.

"Emmett, she's my daughter…I can't just forget that, no matter how she got here."

"Just…be careful, Edward. Bella could make it very difficult for you to see her, and this would all be a lot easier for all of you if you could find a way to get along for her sake from the start."

We were silent for a few moments before he spoke again. "Just don't forget that whatever you do at this point is going to affect more than just you. That's something you've lost sight of, and you need to remember it from here on out. What you did was so far from okay, Ed. Don't be surprised if you don't get a warm reception from anyone. You fucked up, dude. Now you have to deal with the fallout."

~THT~

My brother's words played in my head long after we hung up the phone. I wasn't sure if Bella would ever be open to the idea that I be a part of our daughter's life, but I wanted to try. I somehow had to put this right, and the only way I could do that was to try and be the type of father my daughter would be proud to call Dad.

I just had to find them and prove it to her.

As far as dealing with everyone else, well, I knew what kind of response I'd get. Had Emmett cheated on Rosalie or Jasper on Alice, I knew very well how I'd feel about it and them. My reaction wouldn't be pretty, so I couldn't expect anyone else's to be either. Emmett had actually been much kinder and gentler than I had expected. It didn't mean that I wouldn't get a nasty reaction from him at some point though, once he had time to really digest all that I had told him.

Glancing at the clock, I realized it was almost 11 a.m. I was on shift from noon to midnight, and I had to get myself together to show up for work, no matter how much I didn't want to be there.

Tyler was his usual cocky, self-important self when I ran into him in the lounge. We exchanged hellos, and then I spent almost ten minutes listening to him talk about the girl he had sex with the night before. By the time he wrapped up his story, I was ready to bash my head in. It was still pulsing in pain from my hangover, despite the Advil I had washed down before I started getting ready for work.

"So…" Tyler grinned. "Did you hear about our former favorite scrumptious scrub nurse Swan? Got herself knocked up. Wonder who the baby daddy is? Probably one of the plastic surgeons on the fourth –"

He didn't get any further. My arm was pressed across his neck as I threw him up against the wall.

"If you say one more thing about her, I will end you. Do you understand me?" I got out through gritted teeth.

Tyler's eyes were wide and his face bright red. He tried to talk, but I had a hold on him too tightly. He was barely able to breathe. Finally, he just nodded.

I dropped my arm and pushed away from him, stomping back over to my locker.

"Dude, what the fuck?" I could hear him gasping for breath behind me, but I didn't look to see if he was okay.

I didn't care.

I put on my white coat, dropped a pen in my pocket and slammed my locker shut. I said nothing more as I left the lounge.

Mechanically, I went through the rest of my day. My anger with Tyler disappeared as soon as I left the room, because I knew it wasn't really him I was angry with. Had I been able, the arm that strangled Tyler should've been strangling me.

It didn't surprise me when Chief Adams called me into his office to talk later that afternoon. Tyler hadn't ratted me out, surprisingly, but one of his harem of nurses had gone directly to the chief after seeing Tyler's red, watery eyes and heard his raspy voice. He had told her, and she, in turn, told on me.

"Dr. Cullen, do you want to explain what happened in the doctors' lounge today?" Chief Adams sat back in his desk chair, elbows on its arms, hands steepled in front of his face.

"Dr. Tyler and I had a minor disagreement."

His hands dropped. "I wouldn't call choking one of your colleagues something that came up from a minor disagreement."

I said nothing. I couldn't defend my actions. I had overreacted and seriously overstepped my bounds. While Tyler's words hadn't been appropriate, they hadn't been worthy of my reaction.

Chief Adams sighed and sat up. "Look, Edward, I don't know what's going on with you or why something like this even took place, but it's not acceptable." He looked at me levelly over the rim of his glasses. "Consider this conversation a warning that behavior like this won't be tolerated. The only reason this isn't going further is because the complaint didn't come from Dr. Tyler, and when asked about it, he refused to cooperate. However, if something like this happens again, I will not hesitate to remove you from this residency program. Have I made myself clear?"

I nodded. "Yes, sir."

With a nod of his own head, I was dismissed.

Nurse Morrison shadowed me most of the day. Whether she was told to do so by the Chief or she did it because she had heard about my altercation, I didn't know. However, it did whatit it intended – kept me out of trouble and focused my mind on the patients.

As I was leaving the hospital to head home a little after midnight, Tyler was waiting for me at my car. I tensed, unsure if I was about to get a beat down of my own. Instead, he surprised me.

"I'm sorry," he said as I approached him.

I stopped, thinking I hadn't heard him right. "Excuse me?"

He huffed and ran a hand over his face. "I said I was sorry. I shouldn't have said what I did today about Bella. I didn't realize…although, I should've. It's not like you guys hid it."

I walked toward him slowly. "There was nothing to hide."

Tyler opened his mouth and then closed it. "Whatever, man, I'm not here to get up in your business. I shouldn't have said anything, and I'm sorry it got brought up to the Chief."

"I'm sorry, too. I overreacted and I shouldn't have touched you."

We stared at each other for a few more seconds before he nodded and walked away.

I made my way back to the hotel, trying to forget the last forty-eight hours.

~THT~

The week passed slowly. J. Jenks had returned my call while I was at work, and we spent two days playing phone tag. On his last phone message, he suggested finding a time for the two of us to meet so I could tell him what I needed. My next day off was two days away, and I agreed to meet him at the coffee shop located in the hotel.

I worked, I slept, and sometimes I ate. While I wanted to spend much of my time drowning in alcohol, I was working and on-call too much to feasibly do so. I threw myself into my job, avoiding everyone and everything but my patients. The bags under my eyes grew darker and darker. I stayed up late, still doing my best to search for Bella and our baby. I continued to come up empty-handed.

The night before I was due to meet Jenks, I got out of work early. Chief Adams had noticed how many hours I was working and, citing worries about my health, told me to go home and get some sleep. His eyebrow arched, but he didn't question me when I scoffed at his use of "home." Not wanting to get into it with him, I left with a thank you.

I dreaded going back to the hotel, but I had nowhere else to go. I still hadn't heard from Angela. I hadn't heard from anyone back in Forks either. They were pretty good at the silent treatment even from thousands of miles away.

Avoiding the lights when I entered the room, I stripped and got into the shower. I stayed under the water for a long time, thinking of everything and nothing all at the same time. Drying off, I threw on a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt before planting myself in the chair in front of the window.

I'm not sure how long I sat there, looking at nothing and lost in my thoughts when my phone rang. I glanced at the display to see Jasper's name across it.

I swiped to accept the call, but when it came time to say hello, nothing came out.

"I heard what happened. Thought you might need someone to talk to." His voice came across quietly across the line.

I shook my head, even knowing he couldn't see me. I just couldn't get the words over the lump in my throat. Jasper waited me out, staying silent until I was able to speak.

"I fucked up bad, Jazz. Really bad."

"Tell me about it," he said calmly.

Jasper was a therapist and a damn good one. From the time we were kids, he just had a way about him that made people feel comfortable spilling their guts. He was great at being non-judgmental; even if he had an opinion about something, he played his cards close to his chest, so no one had any idea what he was really thinking or feeling. We didn't even try to guess because he always made us feel like the only opinion or judgment that mattered was our own.

Jasper came through for me, just as he always had. He asked what my next step was, and I answered him honestly when I told him I didn't know.

"You'll figure it out, Ed. You always do."

When we hung up a little while later, his words played in my head. I knew how many people I hurt with my decisions – even Jasper in his calm, non-judging manner had a hint of frustration and anger in his voice when he spoke to me about Angela and how I planned to address things with her. However, I knew that no matter how disappointed he was in the way I decided to handle things, he still believed in me to figure out how to fix it – and to actually do so.

If only I had his faith.

There was no telling what the next day would bring. If Jenks would be able to find Bella. If Angela would call and tell me we needed to talk. If my family and friends would forgive me. If I could find a way to atone from the guilt in my heart.

The mini-bar had been restocked, and I spent the rest of the night making use of it.

The clock next to the bedside table reading 3 a.m. was the last thing I saw before I passed out.

* * *

**E/N: **

Please don't have too much hate for Bella. I haven't given you her POV (and there are no plans to do so) so no one is really sure what she's thinking. (Well, I am, but that's beside the point). Just remember - she did something she's not proud of, was treated cruelly by the man she loved, and just gave birth to a baby without the father by her side. Post-partum decision making, anyone? That's all I'm saying...

As far as Edward goes? He's sorry (did that come through? O_o) And the people in his life know. Oy Vey. Life is gonna be bumpy for a while...

Thank you so much for reading!


	8. Chapter Eight

**A/N: Browns **was on content duty, and according to her email to me: "If you are going for rip your heart out angst, you got it." So, there's your warning.

Thanks to **mcc101180** for her beta work. I'm about to send this off to LuluM so she can add her input. Will repost (again) once that's done.

**Disclaimer: **I own the plot, SM owns the characters.

Let's do it...

* * *

**EPOV**

Getting up the next morning was difficult. I glanced around the hotel room to see empty liquor bottles scattered on the table and on the floor, and the chair I had been sitting in turned over on the rug. Unable to handle the sight of my destruction, I shuffled my way into the bathroom.

I took my time showering and shaving. My head was pounding, and the Aleve I took hadn't kicked in yet to make it go away. By the time I finished, I looked at the clock and realized I was already five minutes late for my meeting with Jenks.

The café was surprisingly busy for late morning on a weekday. The sun coming in from the windows glared off the faux marble tables, making it difficult for my eyes to adjust. After a few seconds, I spotted Jenks sitting with his back to the wall. He had described himself on the phone to me, and there were no surprises. He was a stocky, bald white man wearing a leather jacket. When he said bald, he meant completely; his shiny head reflected the sun as much as the tabletops did. He caught my eye from across the café and gave me an appraising look, probably trying to decide if I was the person he was here to meet. I wound my way through the various tables and diners gathered until I reached him.

"Jenks?" I asked

"Mr. Cullen. A pleasure to meet you." He stood and held out his hand for me to shake, his grip firm. He let go and gestured to the seat across from him. "I took the liberty of ordering some coffee for us."

I picked up the white carafe and poured myself a cup. "Thank you."

We were silent as he watched me prepare my coffee. The waitress stopped by our table and took our order – blueberry muffin for me, ham and cheese omelet for Jenks – and I waited until she walked away before I spoke.

"Mr. Jenks, I appreciate you meeting with me today. I'm…well, I'm currently at a loss on how to find someone, and I would like your help."

Jenks settled back against the bench he was sitting on and folded his hands over his stomach. "Well, tell me what you need, and I'll see what I can do for you."

I took a deep breath before speaking. "The mother of my child gave birth about a week ago. When I went to go visit her in the hospital the day after her birth, they both had been released. I have no idea where she went, and I would like to get in touch with her to discuss our baby."

Jenks regarded me silently for a moment. "Mr. Cullen, why would the mother of your child take off without letting you know where she was going?"

"Things are…complicated." I sighed and ran and hand through my hair. "I just want to make sure she's okay. I also want to talk to her about our daughter and sharing custody."

There was more silence from Jenks. "Mr. Cullen, I'm going to be straight with you," he said after a moment. "Based on the information you're providing me, I'm not sure I can help you. I was a cop for many, many years, and I saw things that I'll never be able to forget. If you are a threat to this woman, I'm in no way going to help you find her." Both is tone and his expression was serious and I knew right away that Jenks was not the type of person I would want to screw over.

I shook my head, sickened by both the motion and the thought that I could or would hurt Bella in that way. "It's not like that, I swear. I…I'm married. And I had an affair…well, not really an affair - it was just one night. We had been friends, before. I told her right after it happened that it couldn't happen again and broke off contact. She disappeared and then I found out she had a baby. I tracked her down and asked if the child was mine. She confirmed that it was but asked me to stay out of her and the child's life. The problem is…I can't do that. That's my baby out there, and I can't just pretend that she's not."

Jenks picked up his mug and took a sip. I began to speak, to explain further, but he held up a finger. The waitress appeared next to me minutes later and placed our food in front of us. After she walked away, Jenks laid the napkin on his lap, picked up his fork, and gestured to me to continue.

"Mr. Jenks, I don't want to disrupt her life anymore than I have, but I screwed up and now I'm trying to make things right. I went back to the hospital to talk to her, but at that point, she was already gone. I did my best to search for her, but I haven't been able to find her. I just want to talk to her and see, if for the sake of our child, we can find a way to…coexist."

Jenks finished chewing and swallowed before answering me. "Mr. Cullen, I'll be able to find out if you're lying to me about any of this, you know that, right?"

I nodded. "Yes."

Jenks put down his fork. "I'll investigate your story – at your cost, of course. And I'll see if it checks out. If it does, I'll help you find your child."

I slumped in my chair in relief. "Really?"

"Yes. I know how painful it is to be separated from your children." I thought he might have added more, but he just picked his fork back up and continued to eat.

We finished our meal in silence. Then Jenks pulled out a notepad and began asking questions. What was Bella's last name? Was Bella her legal name? Where was she from? What did she do? What hospital did she give birth in? Do I know where she worked? Known friends or associates?

I gave him everything I could, which was information I had learned over the course of our friendship and some I had found on my own during my search for her.

"Mr. Cullen, I'll check this out. As I said, if I find you're a threat to Ms. Swan, I will not help you, and if I find any criminal behavior, I will most certainly report you to the authorities." Jenks put his notepad and pen back in his jacket pocket and stood.

I stood as well. "I understand. I promise you'll find nothing of the sort. I just want to find my daughter and talk to Bella…I swear."

After a brief nod, Jenks said, "We'll see. Have a nice day, Mr. Cullen." With a final handshake, Jenks was gone.

I prayed he would find them.

~THT~

The rest of the week passed slowly. I went to work, avoided everyone except my patients, and then returned to the hotel to either pass out from exhaustion or alcohol. I stopped raiding the mini-bar for my fix and instead became a steady customer at a liquor store I found just down the block. I knew that alcohol was not the best way to deal with the situation, but nothing else worked to kill my thoughts or numb my heart. I always made sure I was sober and alert when going into work; there was no way I was going to lose one of my patients due to negligence and make someone else pay for the mistakes I had made.

Jasper and Emmett called from time to time, but other than brief conversations where I told them I was fine, I avoided them. My mother left a message telling me she loved me and to call her when I was ready to talk. Even my father called, but I sent his call to voicemail as well.

I wasn't ready to talk to anyone. Avoiding everything was the name of the game and I played by getting drunk.

The only calls I took were from Jenks…and Angela.

Jenks called mid-week, leaving me a message telling me my story checked out and that he would proceed to find Bella and our daughter. He would be in touch once he had news or if he had more questions.

Angela's call came at the end of the week.

At first, when I saw her face on my phone screen, I was taken aback. I hadn't expected to hear from her, honestly. I should've known better since there was no way she would just let things go with sending me divorce papers and leaving it at that.

My hand was shaking when I pressed the screen to accept her call.

"He...hello?" I croaked.

There was a beat of silence, and then she replied, "Edward."

Her tone was soft, but firm. Lawyer Angela was making the call.

"Hey, Ang." I tried to get more out, but nothing seemed appropriate. A simple _how are you_ seemed cruel, and _what's up?_ too flippant.

"I…I think we should talk." Her voice didn't change in the slightest. I couldn't begin to guess how this conversation would go.

"Okay, yeah. Um, I…"

"Can you meet me at the apartment at seven o'clock Sunday night?"

"Yeah, yeah. I can be there." My shift would be over at six, and as long as I timed it right, it shouldn't take me long to arrive, even with traffic.

"See you then." There was a bit of silence, and then my phone started beeping at me.

She had hung up.

I took a deep breath and set my phone down on the bedside table. I glanced around the room but didn't really see anything. In the last fourteen days, I had been in some sort of a painful limbo, and with one phone call, I knew my day of reckoning had come.

Walking toward the bottle on the table, I ignored the pain in my chest. After the sixth shot of whiskey, it barely registered.

I fell asleep slumped against the TV stand, an empty glass in my hand.

~THT~

As Angela requested, I arrived at the apartment promptly at seven. I knocked lightly on the door, not feeling right about just using my key to go in. After the briefest of moments, Angela opened the door.

Her face was ashen, with dark circles under her eyes. Her lips had a bit of color to them, but only because I could see that she had added some. Her eyes, however, killed me. The whiskey brown orbs I had once loved so much held nothing but anger – and pain.

"Angela," I said quietly.

She nodded in response before opening the door wider to let me in. I took three steps into the living room area and stopped. Despite being gone only two weeks, the apartment no longer felt like home. I was a stranger here – an interloper already.

"Would you like something to drink?" Angela asked as she shut the door and moved passed me into the room, her voice soft, and with just a touch of ice.

I shook my head. "No, no. I'm fine."

Our eyes met for a quick second before we both dropped our gaze. My palms were sweaty, and I wiped them against the fabric of my jeans. Angela twisted the rings on her finger – her wedding rings – and sighed softly.

"Come in, let's sit down."

I followed her over to the couch and chairs, remembering the last time we had been here together. Obviously, she was thinking the same as we both avoided the places we sat that night. Our eyes met, and again we looked elsewhere quickly.

The silence dragged for a few moments as we avoided each other and the reason I was here. I wished I had asked for something to drink; it would've given us something to concentrate on other than this awkwardness, and it would've soothed the burning in my throat.

Angela coughed a little, and my eyes flew up to her face. Despite her pallor, her expression was calm. She was wearing a mask of indifference, but having known her most of our lives, I knew it was just that – a mask. Her eyes told me everything I needed to know.

I had effectively ripped out her heart and stomped on it.

Taking a deep breath, Angela held my gaze and said, "I need to know everything, Edward. I don't think it'll change anything, but I need to know what happened." She paused a brief second before adding, "I think you owe me that much, right?"

She was absolutely right; I did owe her that much and a whole lot more. It wasn't going to be easy for her to hear, but I owed her the truth – finally.

Unable to handle the hurt in her eyes, mine darted to the floor. I steadied myself, wished briefly for a shot of whiskey and pulled my shit together. I made myself meet her gaze before I began speaking.

I told her about my friendship with Bella and how that was all it had been, even when my feelings for her grew deeper. I spoke of her father's heart attack and how I knew then that I had fallen in love with her.

That part, admitting it, was the hardest for me to say, and I could tell that it was extremely painful for Angela to hear.

"So, you fell in love with her when I couldn't get pregnant?" Angela asked, her voice quiet, but full of anger.

I shook my head. "Not like that, Ang, I swear. It wasn't like that." I sighed, unsure how to explain myself, and realized that no matter what I said, it probably wouldn't make sense. "It was almost as if I kept our marriage in one corner of my mind and my feelings for Bella in the other. One didn't have anything to do with another."

Angela shook her head incredulously. "Are you kidding me? You fell in love with another woman, and you think it didn't have anything to do with our marriage?"

I dropped my head into my hands and blew out a breath. Lifting my head, I tried again. "No…no. I just meant…our fertility issues had nothing to do with it. It was so gradual; I didn't even realize it was happening until it was too late. It doesn't excuse me, I know this. But I swear, Ang, my feelings for Bella had nothing to do with my feelings for you, or our inability to have children. It didn't happen because I found out we couldn't have biological children –"

"_I_, Edward. _I_ can't have children. You _obviously_ don't have that problem." The fury and bitterness in her voice made me cringe.

Not knowing what else to do, I just looked at her. I didn't know if it would make things easier or harder when I said quietly, "Angela, I slept with her before we went to Dr. Burns. You were in Forks when it happened."

Angela stared at me with tears in her eyes, not saying a word for a handful of seconds. My stomach turned as I watched the devastation play out over her face. She swallowed hard before she spoke again. "I don't…I thought that…" A tear dripped down her face, and she quickly swiped it away with the back of her hand. "Well, that changes…everything, doesn't it?"

I shook my head. "I don't –"

She waved me off. "Please, I…just…go on."

I scrubbed my hands over my face and did as she asked. "I'm not sure what I would've done, if things would've happened the way they did if it wasn't for what happened the night Bella came back to work. Just before my shift ended, we had an MVA come in. The patient was a two year old girl."

Re-telling the story of Marlene Beckett's death was painful, even almost a year later. The little girl I couldn't save wasn't ever far from my thoughts, and she sometimes still haunted my dreams at night. Knowing my guilt and grief in not being able to save her was the catalyst for my affair with Bella didn't change the fact that my actions had been wrong. It just added another layer of sadness to my heart.

Angela cried through the telling of Marlene's death, and I spared her the details of my night with Bella. I only informed her that we ran into each other at Tony's and, after a few drinks, had left for the same place.

The tense silence in the room went on for a few moments while Angela wiped her tears and I tried to pull it together as well. Marlene's death, coupled with my indescribable feelings toward what happened with Bella and what I had done to Angela were crushing. I could feel everything once more – the guilt from not saving the little girl, my ecstasy at being with Bella, the crushing wrongness of knowing I had broken my vows. Knowing that I broke Bella's heart not even twenty-four hours later compounded it all.

I finished my tale fifteen minutes later. I explained to Angela how I left Bella, telling her that my place was with my wife. I told her how I came home with every intention of making our marriage work and wanting to put nothing but 100% into it.

"It was too late, though." Angela interrupted me. "You had already fallen in love with Bella and out of love with me." The anger was gone, leaving only an empty sadness in her tone.

"Ang, I have loved you since I was five-years-old, when you saved me from Jessica Stanley and Lauren Mallory. I had no idea that as we grew and our relationship blossomed that it would turn out like this. I…. You're my best friend."

"But you're not _in_ love with me, and you haven't been for a really long time." There was more resignation, more sadness. Her face was wet with her tears, and her arms had taken up residence wrapped around her stomach. She had angled herself toward the sliding glass doors, staring out into the inky black night.

I stood up and kneeled in front of her. Her head turned toward me, and I looked at her red-rimmed eyes. Quietly I said, "I never, ever meant to hurt you. I thought I was trying to do the right thing by keeping all this from you so I _wouldn't_ hurt you."

"But, Edward, you did hurt me. You…do you even know what you've done?" A single tear spilled from the corner of her left eye and dripped down her cheek. I hated to see her in so much pain.

"I know. I was completely selfish, and…" What could I say? Nothing would make this okay. Nothing could make her feel better.

I sat back on my heels, and my motion gave her some space so she could stand and walk toward the door, her back to me. I watched her as she shook her head and ran a hand over her face. "Oh, Edward." My name was a sigh off her lips, followed by more silence. Finally, she turned back toward me and said, "We might have been able to salvage our friendship or something if you had just come to me with the truth from the beginning. Instead, you…and look at us." Her hand came up to gesture weakly between us. "I can barely look at you right now." Once more she turned back toward the door. Her tears were coming more quickly, and I stood, grabbing the box of tissues lying on the table. I slowly walked to her and handed her the box.

Surrendering my white flag.

As she wiped her face, I stuck my hands in my pocket and looked outside. It was dark and hard to see anything due to the fog rolling in off the lake. "I'm so sorry, Angela. I'm sorrier than I can possibly say." My own eyes were moist, and I knew that it wasn't going to take much to have them spill over. My gut was churning, and I just wanted to make everything okay again.

Angela sniffled. Pulling her shoulders back slightly, she turned to me and gave me a sorrowful upturn of her lips. "I really, really want to continue to be pissed off at you. I want to hate your guts and let my anger carry me through this, until I get rid of it and the hurt goes away too. But it's really hard to be angry at someone you've known your whole life and when he tells you he's sorry, you know he means it."

There was no holding back the tears at that point. I dropped my head and let them fall. This wasn't forgiveness – far from it – but instead an acknowledgement of what we had been to each other.

Angela faced the night once more. "Don't get me wrong, Edward, I'm still pissed as hell. When I think of…I just can't…and yet, I still love you. You're still my best friend. You're the person I want to call and say, 'What do I do with this? How do I get through this?' and I can't because _you_ caused this."

I nodded, recognizing the truth in her words. The number of times over the last few months when I wanted to confide in her, to tell her what was going through my head and ask her what I should do, was staggering. It was completely inappropriate, as well. I knew better than she might know just how strong those two opposing forces were.

We stood in silence, neither of us moving or looking at each other.

Finally, I spoke. "Ang, wha…what should we do?" I was both terrified and anxious for her answer, but I knew the limbo we had been in – even if it had just been for a couple of weeks – wasn't healthy for either of us.

Angela clutched the tissue tighter in her hand and sighed. She moved back toward the couch and sat down. I followed her lead, sitting next to her, a cushion in between us.

"I think we both know that…" She blew out a breath and shook her head just a little. "I'm going to have Irina draw up the separation papers this week and I'll file." I recognized the name of one of her colleagues, and my stomach dropped. "If the divorce is uncontested, there's a six-month waiting period. After that, we sign some papers, and…it's done."

I pinched the bridge of my nose and swallowed hard. She sounded so calm, so resigned.

Angela continued, "You should get yourself a lawyer, Edward. I, um, don't foresee this getting ugly, but we have a lot of assets we need to split up, and it'll be easier if we have good people to do that for us."

My heart felt heavy. "Ang…six years…" And a lifetime before that.

She gave me another small, sad upturn of her lips. "Edward, can you tell me in all honesty that you aren't in love with Bella – and that you still are in love with me?"

I _wanted_ to lie to her. The part of me that had been her best friend, the part of me that loved her as that, wanted to lie and tell her that I did still love her. However, the bigger part knew the truth. And so did she….

"No. No, I can't tell you that." I could barely look at her as I spoke.

"And I deserve better than that." She lightly touched the arm of the couch and crossed her legs. Her shoulders were still back but seemed to be sagging under the weight of my confession and our conversation.

"You deserve the best, Ang. You always have. I'm so sorry that I wasn't that person for you." I _was_ sorry. I was sorry that it had come to this, sorry that I hadn't been able to keep the promise I had made to her once upon a time.

"Maybe we could have fixed this, but now…knowing what I know…and the fact that you have…" her breath hitched and I knew it was costing her more than I could imagine to continue to have this conversation "…a daughter - there's no coming back from this, Edward."

I could have offered to never see my daughter, to never try and be a part of her life, but we both knew I'd only be lying again. With one look at that baby's face, I had fallen in love, and there was no way I would be able to walk away. Angela knew I'd never be able to choose between my daughter and her. She also knew, just as I did, that being faced with that reminder of my lies and broken vows would be much more than Angela could bear.

"I can't believe this…this is it," I said quietly. I knew when I told her the truth, that this was the direction we were headed, but to be sitting here actually talking about it was surreal. I couldn't deny that I was partly relieved because at least now I knew – _we _knew – that there was no saving our marriage. However, over that relief was hurt and shame, guilt and pain. There was no way to walk away from a relationship like Angela and I had had without grieving for what had been and feeling horrible about the way that it had ended, especially when I knew that I shouldered the blame.

"Yes…well." She uncrossed her legs and began shredding the tissue. These little nervous habits were basically my only clues that she was upset. Her eyes had dried up, and her face was void of emotion. Lawyer Angela was back in place. "Once you get a lawyer, have him call the firm and speak to Irina. Most of this can take place through them, and then…well, then…"

"It's over," I murmured quietly.

"Yes."

The silence stretched between us once more, and I wished I knew what my heart was trying to tell me. It was confused that a part of me wanted to drag this on, so Angela wouldn't leave and I would still have my best friend. But it yearned for it to be over so I could stop hurting her and she could heal from the pain I caused her.

Angela stood, dropping the tissue on the coffee table. I followed her lead, and we faced each other. "I know this is probably going to sound not very genuine right now, but I do mean it. I hope you can figure something out with Bella for your daughter's sake. I may really dislike you right now, Edward, but I know you'll be a great dad. I hope you don't miss out on that because of how everything began."

She was so much more than I had ever deserved. "Thank you," I choked out.

We walked over to the door, the awkwardness still surrounding us. We stood there, and I wasn't sure how to say goodbye. As usual, Angela was the stronger of the two of us.

She opened the door and gave me the saddest smile I had ever seen on her.

"Goodbye, Edward."

"Goodbye, Ang."

I left, hearing the click of the door behind me. As I walked to the elevator, I knew I was leaving everything I once was with her.

* * *

**UPDATE 3/15/13: **

Hi everyone,

Sorry for being off the radar and not updating in months. The plan had been to continue with this story - and it still is - but I was diagnosed a couple of months ago with panic disorder. This was after a couple of months of having severe chest pain and ending up in the ER and doctor's office time and time again. Finally, someone got the diagnosis correct (I hope anyway!) However, despite doing all the "right" things, I'm still suffering from panic attacks that sometimes leave me unable to do much - especially write. I apologize for this, and hope that someday soon I'll be back on track and can get back to this story. Thank you for your understanding.

Scorp


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